Regarding An Exciting Major Musicological Discovery!

I’ve been searching around the websites of various major newspapers to see if anyone, anyone at all, has “classical” music under the “music” tab. Invariably, so far, no. The classical reviews and articles are under “arts”. So either “classical” music isn’t music, or “pop” music isn’t art?

But that’s not why I’m typing right now. I am typing because I think I can make a lot of money by offering my services as an editor to writers who write about “classical” music. Because, apparently, that occupation has been eliminated.

The old times return to symphony

The Houston Symphony's latest classical program triggered memories of old times at the performance Saturday in Jones Hall.

That sounds delightful, if slightly reactionary. Let’s get in our Packards and go see it!

The guest conductor was Lawrence Foster, music director of the orchestra in the 1970s,

Okay. A visit from an old friend. Aw, sentimental. That is sweet.

and he brought a program that once was typical bread-and-butter of orchestral programming:

That’s fine; not every orchestra concert has to champion new music. I guess. What were they playing, I wonder?

George Enescu's Romanian Rhapsody No. 2,

Ah! Nice. This piece sort of fell out of favor, but it used to be a staple. A warhorse-y staple. Or a staple-y warhorse. A chestnut. You know: standard orchestral repertoire. It’s a showy violin feature that incorporates (as the title suggests) some elements of Romanian folk music.

Wolfgang Mozart's Piano Concerto No. 25

Oh, Wolfgang Mozart. Just kidding. That’s a good piece, I think; is it the C Major, K.503? I think so. Yes, it is.

and Johannes Brahms' Symphony No. 5.

Well, I certainly…what? WHAT?!?!


(breathless.) Oh my fuckin’ god.

Fuck! The...

Ohgod ohgod ohgod.

They found a fucking Fifth Symphony by Brahms? Holy tittyfucking christ. Shiva H. Vishnu. That is insane. Insane! How did I not hear about this shit?! Grrblahh! Fruznelesnsz! [head explodes]

I have to get some water. Or a drink. I…I have to…call the NY Times! How did I miss this? Oh sweet mary jane in a pretty glass pipe. I almost had an accident in my…wait, what?

...Similarly, though Brahms was nearing the "little blue pill" stage of his life when he wrote the Fourth Symphony…


You did not. You. Did. Not just do that.

It was a fucking typo?

A typo. Jesus. I about had a seizure there.

You have to be fucking kidding. You did not catch that?

Nobody…caught that?

(exhales loudly)

Insanity. Proofreading is dead. Which is disturbing. I mean...?


Similarly, though Brahms was nearing the "little blue pill" stage of his life when he wrote the Fourth Symphony…

Are…are you implying that…that Brahms was, or should have been on Viagra?

Fuck you to hell. I am not even going to deal with the rest of your article.


Empiricus said...

As far as typos go, I think I can let this one pass. I mean, between the two words, "fifth" and "fourth", there were eleven letters. Six were duplicates, indicating that 3 of the 5.5 letters of each of the two words, remained the same. This translates to a 55% successful accuracy rate; thus, demonstrating the that it was merely a minor infraction. Though, it is easy to see how this minor error could have occurred: each of the incorrect letters are no more than three inches apart from one another on a standard "qwerty" keyboard. See? No biggie.

Murderface said...

Right, but for it to be truly a typo, the "our" of "fourth" must have been randomly struck rather than the "if" of "fifth."

I find that difficult to fathom. This was an error of factual recall, not keyboarding technique.

Aaron said...

I can't find it now, but I'm absolutely certain that another reviewer used the ""little blue pill" stage of his life" thing in another piece you guys wrote about.

There's probably a tackier way to say that a guy is old. I just can't think of one.

Anonymous said...

Pretty tacky, indeed, but it could have read that he is at the "'often runs urgently to the restroom but then finds difficulty in acheiving a strong stream, which often leads to akward moments of standing there unable to finish the job but knowing fully that as soon as he leaves he will have to rush back in a matter of minutes' stage of life"

Getting old sucks, even for composers.