I’ve been searching around the websites of various major newspapers to see if anyone, anyone at all, has “classical” music under the “music” tab. Invariably, so far, no. The classical reviews and articles are under “arts”. So either “classical” music isn’t music, or “pop” music isn’t art?
But that’s not why I’m typing right now. I am typing because I think I can make a lot of money by offering my services as an editor to writers who write about “classical” music. Because, apparently, that occupation has been eliminated.
The Houston Symphony's latest classical program triggered memories of old times at the performance Saturday in Jones Hall.
That sounds delightful, if slightly reactionary. Let’s get in our Packards and go see it!
The guest conductor was Lawrence Foster, music director of the orchestra in the 1970s,
Okay. A visit from an old friend. Aw, sentimental. That is sweet.
and he brought a program that once was typical bread-and-butter of orchestral programming:
That’s fine; not every orchestra concert has to champion new music. I guess. What were they playing, I wonder?
George Enescu's Romanian Rhapsody No. 2,
Ah! Nice. This piece sort of fell out of favor, but it used to be a staple. A warhorse-y staple. Or a staple-y warhorse. A chestnut. You know: standard orchestral repertoire. It’s a showy violin feature that incorporates (as the title suggests) some elements of Romanian folk music.
Wolfgang Mozart's Piano Concerto No. 25
Oh, Wolfgang Mozart. Just kidding. That’s a good piece, I think; is it the C Major, K.503? I think so. Yes, it is.
and Johannes Brahms' Symphony No. 5.
Well, I certainly…what? WHAT?!?!
OH MY GOD.
(breathless.) Oh my fuckin’ god.
Ohgod ohgod ohgod.
They found a fucking Fifth Symphony by Brahms? Holy tittyfucking christ. Shiva H. Vishnu. That is insane. Insane! How did I not hear about this shit?! Grrblahh! Fruznelesnsz! [head explodes]
I have to get some water. Or a drink. I…I have to…call the NY Times! How did I miss this? Oh sweet mary jane in a pretty glass pipe. I almost had an accident in my…wait, what?
...Similarly, though Brahms was nearing the "little blue pill" stage of his life when he wrote the Fourth Symphony…
You did not. You. Did. Not just do that.
It was a fucking typo?
A typo. Jesus. I about had a seizure there.
You have to be fucking kidding. You did not catch that?
Insanity. Proofreading is dead. Which is disturbing. I mean...?
Similarly, though Brahms was nearing the "little blue pill" stage of his life when he wrote the Fourth Symphony…
Are…are you implying that…that Brahms was, or should have been on Viagra?
Fuck you to hell. I am not even going to deal with the rest of your article.