Today's Special!

What is today's special?

Wait...why is today special?

Thanks to symphony and guests, ‘Rite of Spring’ is breath of fresh air
Mark Kanny, Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, 4/29/2010

Hilarious.

I mean, sure, Le sacre is totally like "a breath of fresh air"...a rude, disssonant, primal breath to chase out the stuffy stink of stolid Biedermeier conert-going sensibilities. Which is, I'm sure, what the title-writer intended.

Ah, good times. Anyway; Mark?

The three pieces of music being performed at Heinz Hall this week add up to a special concert experience,…

A sufficiently generic, pleasant article opening that provides little information. Cleverly, this motif is spun out by the author to include the description-less descriptor “special.” This is at best an empty signifier, and at worst makes the concert sound vaguely poor—or perhaps differently-abled.

"Special," moreover, makes no actual claims or demands; it is literally everyone's grandmother or grandchild.

Figure 1: "Stay tuned for a special Grey's Anatomy."

…even by the standards of Manfred Honeck and the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra

Man. That does sound special! More special than usual!

He's shown mastery of diverse styles right from his debut,…

[blank stare]

…but this week's program was tasty in fresh ways.

Astounding! After an opening layer of carefully constructed information-free blandness, pow! Zing!

…tasty in fresh ways.

That’s…awesome. I don’t even know where to begin.

Figure : A...salmon martini? Maybe?

Figure 3 : Pondering another aspect.

Composer Richard Danielpour concludes his term as composer of the year with weekend performances of his new…

[calls Gustav]

[Gustav is not there. It is 2 A.M. Did I think he would pick up?]

[Gustav would have had something nice to say about Danielpour’s music, I bet.]

Uh…



[snip]

The second movement [of the Danielpour-ed.], "In Memory of the Innocent," is beautiful in special ways.

Well, that’s pretty faint prai…wait.

What?

...beautiful in special ways.

No. Way.

You did not. That is spectacularly amazingly hysterically funny. I am quite literally Laughing Out Loud.

...tasty in fresh ways.

...beautiful in special ways.

Man. There must be an adverb shortage in Pittsburgh.

Figure 4: Both Ways and Means