Metaphoric Boos

Today’s winner of the “Failed Food Metaphors” tag comes from Burkhardt Reiter of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette with his review:

Quartet overcomes venue limitations for intimate concert

We certainly have seen some ham-fisted food metaphors in our day, but what follows just might take the cake.

If the New Hazlett Theater were a martini, it would be a very dry one.

Of course, what he’s saying is that the Theater’s acoustics were dry, meaning dull, boxy and/or non-reverberant. It also helps explain the title: it was a good show despite the hall’s dryness. Fine. No problem.

Unless you prefer your martinis dry.

But here’s where Burkhardt shakes it up, when he’s supposed to stir:

Despite the New Hazlett's acoustic drawbacks, the quartet projected a sense of intimacy in this space that a more reverberatory venue may have lacked.

A contradiction: the dryness of the theater is what made the quartet metaphorically taste sweeter! That is the opposite of a dry martini, sir. See Vermouth. FAIL.

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Unfortunately, Burkhardt doesn’t stop cooking up metaphors there.

Served as an appetizer to the rest of the concert, the quartet presented three movements from "John's Book of Alleged Dances" by John Adams...

Then,

The meat of the first half was Terry Riley's "Mythic Birds Waltz" and Wayne Peterson's "Jazz Play."

What could possibly be the dessert? I’m dying for chocolate-covered strawberries.

Sadly and wisely, the dessert is only implied. But it’s still rather disturbing, because it's what I’d expect from modernist-hater Bernard Holland, not Burkhardt Reiter and his warm review of newer pieces. It’s...

...(drumroll)...

the only romantic piece on the concert. By. Beethoven! Yeah!

Boo and FAIL.
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