This Year's "Ouch, My Logic Bone!" Award Goes to...

Cheryl North of the Contra Costa Times:

Sadly, most contemporary compositions these days just aren't readily likable at first hearing.

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[cricket, cricket]

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[Ugh. I’m too irritated to type anything nice for the moment; so I’ll just let it be]

This one was different.

Uh huh.

The old "here's a straw man to show people how much this piece defies the common wisdom that contemporary music sucks" tactic.

In what way does it not suck, Cheryl?

The way it formed an arc from atmospheric mystery through tension, and then onto a breathless resolution that ultimately evolved into a heavenly sense of peace, reminded me of Samuel Barber's beloved "Adagio for Strings" — and if enough people hear this new Vask [sic] work, I predict it will share a similar popularity.

Fair is fair. Let’s see if my logic bone is broken: Cheryl was previously familiar with the Adagio for Strings. She likes the Adagio. She heard something that reminded her of it. Thus, she liked what she heard.

And while I'm at it, maybe I can rephrase that first sentence:

Sadly, most compositions just aren’t readily the Adagio for Strings.

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What's more, Vasks’ music (here) reminds me of Barber, too (here).
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Titanium Tetrachloride

As if things weren’t already tempestuous in Oakland, Cheryl North, too, had to get in on the action:

The Oakland East Bay Symphony's upcoming concert, dubbed by its organizers "A Global Celebration," almost can serve as a metaphor for our national identity, as exemplified in the motto E pluribus unum.

“In the motto,” “by the motto.” Let’s call this whole mess, well, off. Shall we?

How can the concert almost serve as a metaphor? It’s either symbolic of national identity or not. Can something be almost symbolic? BART officer one: “Wait. We shouldn’t shoot unarmed people.”

BART officer two: “Don’t worry. It’s only almost a metaphor for unnecessary force.”

What really makes my skin crawl is, perhaps, that Cheryl knew her attempt at a metaphor was flawed, decided to leave it in anyway, but made sure to hedge a little bit.

I mean, here’s the concert lineup: Copland’s Appalachian Spring, a newly commissioned Cello Concerto by Nolan Gasser, and the totally non-global Third Symphony by Brahms. Is that not the picture of standard orchestral fair?

To their credit, Gasser’s work utilizes three unusual instruments:











Fig. 1. Erhu









Fig. 2. Sarangi













Fig. 3. Oud

But relegated to subsidiary roles (remember, it’s a cello concerto), these instruments and their players are the only ties to the title, “A Global Celebration.” This is like to wearing all black on St. Patrick’s Day with the exception of one little green tag on your underwear, which is invisible to those who’ll punch you for not being more celebratory.

But really, is this uninventive program what the Oakland East Bay Symphony is earnestly trying to pass off as “A Global Celebration?”

Does anyone else feel duped?













Fig. 4. Global Celebration in Oakland
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Strike That. Reverse It.

Suddenly, the lobby silence was broken by the loud clatter of hurried footsteps dashing up the stairs from the hall’s subterranean sound-proofed rehearsal studios. I looked up to see the woman in the flesh, looking exceedingly fit in her body-hugging blue jeans.

With such sexy, smoldering hot looks, no wonder she landed on People magazine’s list of the “World’s 50 Most Beautiful People.” I could not help but remember a French boy’s description of her when I was in Paris a few years back: “She eez zee Franch Tyra Banks!”

Rousing from my reveries, I stammered out, “Uh...I’m Empiricus. Do we...uh...have an interview?” Her face lit up into a supernova smile as she affirmed, “Of course!” We were soon walking together...

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Now for the real one about baritone Dmitri Hvorostovsky, written by Cheryl North of the Oakland Tribune.

Suddenly, the Zellerbach lobby silence was broken by the loud clatter of hurried footsteps dashing up the stairs from the hall's subterranean sound-proofed rehearsal studios. I looked up to see the man in the flesh, looking exceedingly fit in his body-hugging blue jeans.

With such sexy, smoldering good looks, no wonder he landed on People magazine's list of the "World's 50 Most Beautiful People." I could not help but remember a Russian girl's description of him when I was in Moscow a few years back: "He is the Russian Elvees Prezley!"

Rousing from my reveries, I stammered out, "Uh "... I'm Cheryl. Do we "... uh "... have an interview?" [sic] His face lit up into a supernova smile as he affirmed, "Of course!" We were soon walking together across the street to his Opera House dressing room, during which stroll, in impressive, gentlemanly fashion, he adjusted his long-limbed pace to my slower one. When we arrived, he gestured for me to take the room's single upholstered chair while he pulled up a hard-backed one for himself.

I don’t know what gets me more, the blatant sexualization, the insulting imitation of a Russian girl, or saying the King's name in vain.
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Grand Re-opening!

Thanks for being patient, everyone. Both Sator and I have been on a weeklong hiatus without easy access to the intertubes, hence such stagnant content. But be warned! We’re back. Refreshed and invigorated from our repose, it’s full-steam ahead!

First up, some fun with silly opening premises.

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Cheryl North of the Oakland Tribune treats us to this opening doozy:

Is the music of Mozart really "classical"?

Just what does it mean when the word "classical" precedes the word "music"? The answer can be a bit confusing.

Upon first reading, I was excited by all this. It sounds like something one might find in some scholarly journal. You know, a fine essay probing the etymology and epistemology of the term’s usage.

Bzzzt! Wrong.

In current common usage, "classical music" usually means serious music from the educated Western European tradition appropriate to concert halls, churches and other, more or less formal venues. Folk, rock and pop music would generally appear at the other end of this spectrum.

I’ll bite. Go on.

Or — "classical" more properly means the very specific style of music composed from about 1750 to around 1810. The definitive composers of this era were Franz Josef Haydn, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Ludwig van Beethoven during his early years. The period's signature music, as well as much of its architecture, painting and literature, was characterized by an emphasis on well-defined form, clarity and harmonious, balanced proportions. More often than not, classical art forms were beautiful, esthetic and pleasing to both the senses and the soul.

Sure. (skeptically) Your conclusion?

A majority of musicians agree that Mozart's music almost perfectly meshes with all the classical criteria.

Four out of five doctors agree that...

Cheryl, I want the names and addresses of those musicians who did not agree, so I can slap them upside their heads. That is, if you actually polled musicians. And some of them actually disagreed with your definitions. Which would be actually pretty lame. Because you probably didn't need to poll musicians in order to find a majority that agreed. And the rest of your article had nothing to do with the opening premise.
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