In Which I Am Proven Wrong...by Science!

So I was saying that Messiaen's Quatuor pour la fin du temps is surely an excellent piece, but that given the 70 or so years since its inception, it isn't really astonishing anymore.

"Nuh uh," my interlocutor insisted. "It's still astonishing."

I mean, I guess. But not really astonishing. It's well known and widely performed and studied, so how astonishing can it really be? Perhaps this is a semantic or rhetorical squabble, but still...

"Nuh uh. I'll prove it."

Mimir Chamber proves 'Quartet for the End of Time' still has power to astonish
Scott Cantrell, Dallas Morning News, 7/14/2010

Aw, fiddlesticks.

But wait. What's a "Mimir Chamber"?

Figure 1: One imagines a secret meeting room where shadowy, powerful men negotiate the fate of the world. ("You can't fight in here! This is the war room!")

...Nearly 70 years on, the eight-movement, 45-minute work still astonishes. And so it did again Tuesday night at Texas Christian University's PepsiCo Recital Hall, thanks to the Mimir Chamber Music Festival.

Okay. Title-writing guy? Couple-a things.

"Mimir Festival" or even simply "Mimir" would have been perfectly clear shorthand for "Mimir Chamber Music Festival." Although one is thankful your preferred truncation was not some nouveau-cable station abbreviation like "MimFest," "Mimir Chamber" is bad and dumb and unclear to boot.

Second, and through fault of neither author nor inept title-writer:

...Texas Christian University's PepsiCo Recital Hall...

Fucking hell, people. Way to render unto Caesar what is Caesar's.

Figure 2: A parable, of sorts, for those with eyes to see.

A few more entries in our continuing GREAT REVIEW TITLES series

You know, as the title says.

Titles are hard...we get that. But every so often a critic (or editor, as it may be) makes a truly special effort to succinctly capture the magic of the live concert-going experience.

First up, from the Times-Herald Record, the direct approach:

Review: Greater Newburgh Symphony Orchestra in Newburgh

Exactly. I feel like I was there.

...in Newburgh.

Also in Newburgh...

figure culture: Thank you American Idol.

Next, from the Houston Chronicle, we have the ridiculous pun:

Symphony Review: Rite a riot of orchestral color

Har har har. You see, because there was a riot at the original premiere a hundred years ago. Priceless.

Whew!

My sentiments exactly.

No riots broke out at Jones Hall on Friday night as maestro Hans Graf led the Houston Symphony in Stravinsky’s explosive The Rite of Spring — in contrast to the legendary ruckus unleashed at the work’s 1913 premiere in Paris.

Maybe it was more of a quiet riot?

figure cum on feel the noize: Mama weer all crazee now.

Later...

Later dramatic bursts proved quite formidable,...

To what? Napping?

...between the slashing strings, pounding percussion, blaring brass and woodwinds that wailed and keened.

Just once I would like my string blaring, woodwinds pounding, brass slashing and percussion that keened.

Even with no dance element, this rendition of the score made it clear something wild, violent and vital was happening.

Send the women and children to safety!

Well, pagan fertility rites are not for hidebound suburbanites.

This is so true.

And lastly, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution demonstrates how you really explain a metaphor.

ASO plays new music, familiar Beethoven on fire

On fire? The musicians were on fire while playing new music and familiar Beethoven?

For long stretches, the orchestra was playing on fire.

Okay. They were on fire.

Was it something like this?

figure on fire: If only Beethoven had lived to see this.

So, clearly "on fire" is a metaphor. But what exactly was on fire -- they were playing great? Everything was coming together beautifully?

It wasn't a radically different interpretation, in terms of tempos, phrasing and balances, such as the prominence given to inner voices.

Hmmm. Interesting, but I'm still not totally clear. How about an analogy to help explain the metaphor?

But like a racing yacht that accumulates an advantage in a regatta by sailing a hair closer to the wind, Knussen delivered a remarkably intense reading by trimming the orchestral sails just taut enough to drive momentum forward, just loose enough that there was never a hint of anxiety or strain or excessive loudness.

And then the orchestra caught fire...just like most racing yachts.

He had us believing that the slow second movement was about the most unexpectedly interesting work Beethoven even composed -- intelligent, loving and always deeply musical.

But, of course, we knew better.

In Which Is Awarded A MacArthur Genius Grant*

*May not be true.

Why even try?

Orchestra's work was "Fantastique"
(Rick Rogers, newsok.com [The Oklahoman online], 3/2/2010)

I wonder what was on...that...concert.

The second half was devoted entirely to Berlioz’s "Symphonie fantastique,” one of the repertoire’s epic masterpieces.

...

Good job, title-writer. You are a fucking genius.

Figure 1: Your mom.

Another clear-cut case of title-writing malfeasance. Obviously a journalist who, you know, wrote the actual article would never

...this "Fantastique” concert provided a fine opportunity for Levine to showcase the orchestra’s many strengths...

Oh...shit.

I am very sorry, title-writing person.

Migh Gud Tidel

Coming up with titles is like waiting in a long line for the restroom: you have to go—immediately!—but there’s no relief in sight. So, embarrassingly, you’re forced to...

From Mozart to Mahler, it was a bounteous year for classical recordings

...you’re forced to favor alliteration over accuracy.

Now, it’s not a horrible title, as these things go. We’ve seen much worse, especially atop year-end, top-ten type articles like this. But give it a gander once more and think about what it means to go from Mozart to Mahler.

Is the title suggesting that the music chronologically ranges from Mozart (b.1756) to Mahler (b.1860)? No. That would be silly; it’s only 104 years. Even if we expand the range by using Mahler’s death year (1911), that leaves only a 155 year window. I hardly expect experienced critic John von Rhein to be so narrow. If that’s not it, then what is?

Figure 1. Continuing with the classy toilet humor. Only $29.99!

Perhaps the title suggests that all the composers fall within the alphabetical space, between Mahler and Mozart? Hmm. There are some big M-boppers:

Marin Marais
Frank Martin
Bohuslav Martinu
Jules Massenet
Felix Mendelssohn
Gian Carlo Menotti
Olivier Messiaen
Giacomo Meyerbeer
Darius Milhaud
Claudio Monteverdi

That’s still pretty silly, a top ten list with music by composers whose last names begin Ma-Mo. That can’t be it. Is it a stylistic thing? Seems unlikely.

I know! Let’s go to the text for answers.

1 Mahler: "Symphony No. 9." Royal Stockholm Philharmonic Orchestra, Alan Gilbert, conductor (BIS). : With Gilbert at the helm, the New York Philharmonic could be in for an exciting new era. His final concerts as chief conductor of the Stockholm orchestra inspired a studio recording of Mahler's sublime valedictory that strikes a wonderful balance between desolation and acceptance, with luminous sonics to match.

2 Mozart...

Or perhaps the editor didn’t bother to read about the other eight recordings?
-

Patriotic Concert Features Vaporous Singer...AND SO MUCH MORE!

We here at The Detritus Review are aware that titles are a difficult thing, and that for music reviews the critic may not even supply the title, leaving that job for an editor with an impeccable sense of the riveting attention-grabber.

They are often innocuous and focus on some sort elementary word play, or painfully point out the obvious (a sort of 5-word abstract).

But, this gem, from the Omaha World-Herald deserves some special recognition.

Review: Symphony puts ‘pow’ in patriotic program

Where to start. First, the phraseology of "puts the ___ in ___" implies a certain kind of pun.

For example -- "...puts the fun back in fundamentalism."

or

figure delicious pun: Wait, there's not hyphen in the word "adolt".

Get it?

Clever, I know.

So, why the use of the word "pow"? Whose letters neither appear in "patriotic" nor "program". Yes, you have the alliterative quality of the 'p', but is that really enough? I say no!

Surely then, there music be something in the review itself about an explosion or something, right?

Let's check, shall we.

Were those bombs bursting in the air Friday night over the Holland Performing Arts Center?

Good question...I was just asking the same thing. Hmmm...the title must have foreshadowed this event, being the clever title that it is, so I will answer quite confidently, "Yes, those were bombs bursting over the arts center."

Nah, it was just the Omaha Symphony’s large percussion section, whacking away at nearly two hours worth of patriotic songs.

Nah? But the title promised "pow"...although I suppose I am relieved that the Holland Performing Arts Center wasn't under attack on Friday.

For its first pops concert of the 2009-10 season, the symphony under guest conductor Michael Krajewski presented a program called “Patriotic Celebration.”

I guess that explains the last part of the title.

The performance, which will be repeated tonight and Sunday afternoon, is a real flag-waving sonic extravaganza that includes just about everything except an F-16 flyover.

Oh boy! Just how I like my patriotic celebrations -- as real flag-waving sonic extravaganzas!!!

figure flag-waving: The Omaha Symphony on Friday.

And, oh, you mentioned something about an F-16. I'm not sure that'd fit in the hall, but that would make one hell of a pow. [Rereads sentence.]

Crap. No fighter jet. What kind of fucking patriotic celebration is this anyway?

A socialist one, I'd wager. Fuck.

figure socialist: First he ruins our economy, and then takes away our guns (or so I've been told), and now this socialist has taken away all the F-16s from our symphony concerts.

But even without sonic booms and afterburners, this is a performance designed to make a lot of noise.

Ohh..."lots of noise". It's loud. Loud = "pow". Okay. I forgive you. I guess we can all just go home.

...

Wait, there's still more review?

Sure, why not. It's still early...let's see what else you've got.

The program itself is the musical equivalent of a giant, omnibus Defense Department spending bill.

No joke, this might possibly be the greatest analogy ever. I'm glad I kept reading...but I've been thinking....

What music is being performed in this "patriotic celebration"?

It not only includes selections intended to satisfy every constituency but also strange juxtapositions of songs and medleys.

Strange juxtapositions? I am intrigued.

For instance, the orchestra played the themes of the five military branches with enough spit and polish to make a Marine Corps drill sergeant snap to attention.

The orchestra played with "spit and polish"?

figure awesome: Spit N' Polish, I love those guys.

It then followed with a selection of peace songs that included, among other things, the John Lennon anthem “Give Peace a Chance.”

Peace?! That's not patriotic. Is this some sort of commie orchestra?

Similarly, sparkling virtuoso orchestra arrangements of Morton Gould’s “American Salute” and Leonard Bernstein’s “America” were followed with saccharine, flag-on-the-sleeve renditions of Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the U.S.A.” and Barry Manilow’s “Let Freedom Ring.”

It was a real mishmash.

Yes, four songs about saluting America, asking God to bless America, extolling one of its virtues through metaphor, and the piece called "America" do make up quite the odd grouping.

Yet there was also much to admire in this program.

Excellent. Wait...[rereads sentence]. This part of the program wasn't to be admired then. So not only is the orchestra socialist, but the reviewer obviously hates America.

I'm not sure I can take much more of this. I can take a lot in the line of this job, but I will not stand idly by as this man besmirches Barry Manilow singing about the supreme awesomeness of America. Fucking commies everywhere!

...[Calms down.]...remembers Detritus oath. "Despite what you think, there aren't fucking commies everywhere."

[Breaths in.]

[Breaths out.]

Friday’s concert opened with a glistening and heroic reading of John Williams’ “Liberty”...

That's "Liberty Fanfare" for those of you keeping score at home...

...and continued with a sincere and emotional performance of the national anthem,...

Sincere? As opposed to all those insincere performances...like this one?

figure R. Kelly: "Clap your hands, y'all". Really?

...or this one?

figure Roseanne: Well, this one is kind of awesome.

...for which we all stood in time-honored tradition.

A selection of George Gershwin’s patriotic Tin Pan Alley tunes — “Strike Up the Band,” “Love Is Sweeping the Country” and “Of Thee I Sing” — sounded overly weighty with the huge orchestra and chorus. These are songs that needed to snap and crackle.

figure rice krispies: Although he hides it well, Pop can't help but feel a little left out.

But the orchestra quickly turned around with joyous and enthusiastic readings of George Cohan’s “I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy” and “You’re a Grand Old Flag.” Several of Irving Berlin’s popular soldier songs — “Over There,” “Oh, How I Hate to Get Up in the Morning” and “This Is the Army, Mr. Jones” — were likewise performed with energy and humor.

Oh god, how I wish I could have been at this concert.

The revelation of the evening was Willett, whose flexible voice easily covered two octaves. He made a lasting impression in “Momma, Look Sharp,” from the musical “1776,” delivering his heart-rending lines with a vaporous falsetto.

Vaporous falsetto? Nothing like finishing off the review with bizarre word choice. Just a couple of definitions of "vaporous" from our good friends at dictionary.com:

3.	producing or giving off vapor

4.	dimmed or obscured with vapor

5.	unsubstantial; diaphanous; airy

6.	vaguely formed, fanciful, or unreliable

...delivering his heart-rending lines with vaguely formed, obscured falsetto, while giving off steam.

This review has everything! Finish it off for us, Mr. Pitcher.

The choruses, for their parts, distinguished themselves with their powerful, passionate performances.

Exactly. For these reasons, this review has won our coveted Crappy Review Title of the Week!

figure your review: Eggceptional, indeed.

...Because "Baroque" Sounds Like "Broke," Get It? GET IT?

I swear to Cthulhu there must be a way to write catchy or clever titles for articles without using the stupidest, most obvious jokes possible. Somewhere there is a nascent academic field waiting to be born.

You see, up in Battle Creek, Michigan, a local man (or, at least, grandson of a local woman) was on a space shuttle mission to help repair the Hubble Telescope. Great! I am in favor of such endeavors. I'm not even opposed to programming a symphony concert around [loosely!] space-themed music to celebrate the occasion--on the condition that it's not full of stupid.

I am, however, opposed to tongue-scrapingly idiotic titles. For instance:

Symphony season blasts off with cosmic concert

[Lori Holcomb, Battle Creek Enquirer, October 22, 2009]

Really?

(Hey, did you hear the one about why Bach didn't have any money?)

Also, although clearly classical audiences are changing and need to get bigger, is "theme night at the symphony" really the cleverest idea available? That's like "casual Friday" or "dress-like-a-hobo day" in it's conceptual and innovative brilliance.

Figure 1: Jeans...and buttons! At work!? Hilarious. Paradigms...breaking down...

So often, oh, so often I've bemoaned that symphony concerts aren't frequently enough organized with as much conceptual aplomb as a frat party.

In celebration of the space industry and the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, the Battle Creek Symphony Orchestra will feature photos taken by the Hubble Telescope and cosmos-inspired music at its season opener Saturday.

See? That seems fair enough. Surely they're not going with Holst, though. That'd be way too obvious. I mean...

Titled "Planet Thunder," the concert will feature popular works such as Holst's "The Planets,"

Well, I mean...I guess you kind of have to. Sigh, fair enough. What else?

Strauss' theme from the movie "2001: A Space Odyssey"...

What. There are so many things wrong with that. It's hard to know where to begin.

Figure 2: Battle Creek Cultural Ambassador and Assistant Director for Clever Programming for the Battle Creek Symphony Orchestra

Later in the article, previewing [portending?] things to come:

For lovers of classical music, "Fallen Heroes" on March 27 will pay tribute to those who have died in battle.

For everyone else, it'll just be a bunch of notes and shit.

To wit:

From extraterrestrial images to fiery Celtic concertos, [music director Anne] Harrigan said the 2009-2010 season is designed to attract new audience members while hopefully pleasing loyal attendees.

Yeah. A careful reading of that sentence reveals that the goal is "to attract new audience members" while "hopefully" keeping the old ones, yes?

Figure 3: Fail Salad

Titles Are Meaningless

As titles go, some are pretty disconnected from the gist of the text, and since they aren’t always chosen by the author, it’s a double-edged sword, a "chicken or the egg?" question: who’s to blame? The author or the editor?

Take this gem from The Barre-Montpillier Times Argus:

Is new music cutting edge anymore?

Thinking to myself: Hmmm. That’s good question. Isn’t it? I suppose I have my opinion, but I’ll reserve that until I read the rest of the article. I’m reasonable, right? Right.

To all the Detritusites: Given the title, it would seem to follow that we’re about to read a piece about how new music is, or is not, pushing the boundaries. Are you on the same page with me?

Good. Let’s go.

It's been a long time since Vermont audiences have had to be conned into listening to contemporary music, particularly music from their own state.

Uh, two things. One, define “a long time,” please. Seems to me I remember a concert on November 15th, featuring Elliott Cater and Olivier Messiaen, another the 14th before that, and two more October 18th and 17th before that. And those just by the ensemble about whom this article was written.

Moreover, “conned?” If the title is any indicator, then it sounds like our author hasn’t been conned for a long while, the last time only because they featured a raffle for a brand new Sega Genesis.

But it was the Vermont Contemporary Music Ensemble, a group of central Vermont professional musicians, that broke the ice – beginning its crusade to bring today's music to today's audiences more than 20 years ago.

Huh. So really our author means, “Back in 1989, it had been a long time since Vermont audiences were conned.”

Or the title’s “cutting edge” refers to breaking the ice, somehow. I don’t know.

But what I do know is that the rest of the article is a neutral sort of puff piece, kindly describing the new pieces on the upcoming program, putting the performers under the spotlight, etc., etc.

So what gives? Is new music cutting edge? Hello? Did the editor actually read the piece? Or did the author decide to inject his opinion in the title and proceed to write some rather pleasant puffery?

Titles are meaningless.

-

One more “chicken or the egg?” gaffe:

Unlike the recent [Vermont Symphony Orchestra] program titled "Romance," there's no theme here.

But earlier:

Next weekend, the VCME will present "Enchanted," [...].
-

Stereotypes Are Outstanding

I know, I know. Before you start, we've discussed this before: critics frequently are not responsible for the titles of their articles. So I'm not blaming the New York Times' Steve Smith for this.

Many factors, including space (column inches) come into play. But who thought they were clever, funny, or in good taste when they came up with:

Enlivening Classical Series with Brazilian Spices

?

Ha ha! South Americans are Spicy! So clever. Thanks, New York Times Classical Editor!

Fuck.