The Greatest Review You've Ever Read?

We here at the Detritus have come to learn that great music is great because it's aesthetically and technically stunning, makes money, makes people happy, is liked by more than 216 people, can run 40 yards in 4.2 seconds, and is written by someone famous and dead.

However, these common criteria leave out, arguably, the most important factor...what's in here. [I'm pointing to my gut]

Concert review: Blomstedt, PSO create a Brahms experience
Andrew Druckenbrod, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, April 09, 2011

We spend an inordinate amount of time trying to define greatness,…

So true. And from what I can tell, it's pretty much an exact science nowadays...

Like when Mel Kiper said of JaMarcus Russell, "Three years from now you could be looking at a guy that's certainly one of the elite top five quarterbacks in this league. Look out because the skill level that he has is certainly John Elway-like."

figure greatest JaMarcus: The epitome of spending an inordinate amount of time defining greatness.

JaMarcus Russell is one of the greatest quarterbacks ever, right?

…and classical music is particularly obsessed with it.

Well, when you only listen to the same 10 or 15 composers who all died over 100 years ago, might as well rank them between sessions of masturbating over which conductor's phrasing of Mahler 4 was ejaculatory enough.

Was that harsh? It felt harsh. Anywho...

But so often it is a debate made away from the music in question…

What do you mean “away”?

… -- in a coffee shop or a classroom, in an article or a book.

And you prefer that debate be made inside the music? Words are my tool of choice when I wish to communicate specific thoughts and ideas. Do you want me to make an argument that Beethoven's music is great with music? I’m not sure I follow.

But what role does experience play?

I’m going to guess that most of the people debating this have experienced classical music before. No?

So Mr. Smarty-pants, how do you define greatness in music?

As of late I have come to define greatness in music as any composition or song that, when listening to it, seems the best work I have ever heard.

Like I said, defining greatness is pretty much down to science these days.

When I am listening to a Beethoven Symphony, I can't imagine another that's "better."

I’m not sure you’re actually familiar with the concept of a definition.

But now that I think about it, our imaginations should be the first criterion for any good definition of the greatness of music.

Same with Chopin's nocturnes and Wagner's operas, Schubert's lieder or Radiohead's albums.

Radiohead does make the best Radiohead albums…although Muse releases pretty good Radiohead albums, too.

No wait...neither of them releases very good Radiohead albums.

But, hey, wait a minute.

What if I can’t imagine a better piece, but I feel like there must be one. Is it necessarily so that imagination is greater than feelings?

I don’t know, because I imagine that you have no idea what you’re talking about, but my gut feeling is that you’re absolutely right.

figure greatest method of transportation: I can't imagine a more seaworthy vessel.

Never mind…

[snip]

Moving along, Brahms' First Symphony was on the program (clearly the greatest symphony ever), as was his First Piano Concerto...

I am happy to report that pianist Garrick Ohlsson is human.

This was in doubt?

He missed a note in his brilliant performance of the First Piano Concerto,...

I really hoped you pointed this out to him after the concert. However, in his defense...

figure concerto: Garrick Ohlsson won't let a little thing like the greatest piano concerto ever get in the way of sweet, sweet vengeance.

…and it actually made me appreciate his amazing virtuosity all the more.

That's exactly how I feel about JaMarcus Russell.

You just had to be there.

Exactly. How else could you experience imagining this was the greatest music ever?

figure greatest present: I can't imagine a more innocent looking gift. How thoughtful.

And once again, a day-time talk show has shown us the way...

It's tricky business commenting on and critiquing the work of others, and I'm speaking of our work here at the Detritus and not just the role of the critic in general. I've read a lot of reviews in the past couple years and I'm starting to wonder if I can ever be satisfied.

With that...

Music Review: Richmond Symphony Orchestra
Devorah Ben-David, Richmond Times-Dispatch, March 6, 2011

The Richmond Symphony Orchestra wowed classical music aficionados during its Masterworks performance at the Carpenter Theatre.

Well, surely this review will break the trend.

However, I’m curious why classical music aficionados were singled out here. I guess the obvious implication is that regular music aficionados and general classical music patrons were un-wowed by the performance at the Carpenter Theatre.

Intriguing, indeed.

"Dancers, Dreamers and Presidents for Orchestra," written by Haitian-American contemporary composer…

I like what I see here. New music...and one and a half sentences without the need to snark.

But yes, that contemporary music does tend to scare of those classical music novices.

…Daniel Bernard Roumain, launched the energetic opening piece.

A rough turn of phrase, to be sure, but you still have me. New music wows classical music lovers -- good news indeed!

So, can I hope for more than a one sentence review? Some in depth history or analysis? And more importantly, that this contemporary composition isn't just viewed through the lens of some gimmick, and be allowed to exist by itself as a work of art?

It was inspired by a 21-second dance shared by then-Sen. Barack Obama and Ellen DeGeneres on her TV show in 2007.

Hmmm… er. I hope this piece isn't as lame as it already sounds. Sorry, Daniel. I’m sure it’s a great piece and all (I mean, it did wow classical music aficionados), but just because it’s contemporary doesn’t make it not cheesy.

Remember, how we discuss music colors the reactions of others...and I'm not just alluding to critics. Contemporary music cannot just be another scavenger of the trash-heap of pop culture.

But, how about alleviating some of my concerns that this is just some trite gimmick about “hope” and what not?

His message is one of hope that the road to peace might be better served by dancing together than haggling over our differences.

figure misunderstood: "It's trying to bringing love! Don't let it get away! Break its legs!"

Who knew that the road to world peace went through a moderately amusing segment on a morning talk show.

I guess I shouldn't talk since I did write my Will it Float? Symphony.

And I do love when music is about all that hope-y, change-y stuff. It’s a powerful message, no doubt. One I’m not sure many composers have the courage to put out there.

The composition, which was commissioned by the Sphinx Commissioning Consortium, is fundamentally a dance piece.

Meaning people are intended to dance to it? How many dance halls employ full symphony orchestras nowadays?

It appears to include a part of everything Roumain has met in his musical life in terms of the classical and pop world.

Oh boy, a piece about world peace that bridges the divide (once again) between classical music and pop music.

I’m sorry. I love new music.

Snap out of it, Gustav.

As the three movements of the piece unveil, the element of surprise is intriguing. "Dancers" begins with a banging solo…

Is that “banging” as in awesome, or “banging” as in whacking stuff with sticks?

…for the timpani and drum kit, so reminiscent of Afro-Caribbean melodies.

I’m not sure which part that sentence is extraneous…the “so” or the comma, but we definitely need to lose one. And I think you mean rhythms and not melodies here. But, what do I know.

In "Dreamers," the contrabass section makes its dramatic entry, while another incarnation of musical vignette unfolds.

Really, is there any part of the music that doesn’t “unfold”, or isn’t “musical”?

Chordal patterns again repeat in "Presidents"…

Chordal patterns do tend to do that, from time to time.

…but quickly morph into hip-hop beats creating a crowded score.

And this too, although, I would wager with slightly less frequency.

figure presidential dignity: The Ellen Show quickly morphing into hip-hop beats with an actual presidential candidate.

Here Roumain's musical interpretation comes off as fragmented. But this may be purely intentional, as discontent ultimately breeds fragmentation in our world.

You're theorizing that his fragmented musical interpretation was intention. Wait, his music interpretation of what...hip-hop? And whose discontent are we talking about?

What we have here is a failure to communicate. Now, this seems to be an interesting analysis of the eclectic juxtapositions being made in this piece, but if you think about it for a second, I have no idea what the author is talking about. It may very well be that his fragmented musical interpretation was intentional. But, his music interpretation of what...hip-hop? And whose discontent are we talking about?

I should slow down though. For all my grousing, I do laud the author for taking the time to discuss this piece in such detail…especially when most critics would save their column inches for these next two works.

Tomasi's Concerto for Trumpet and Orchestra

Ah, the Tomasi Trumpet Concerto...I have been known to partake of this particular concerto from time to time. It is a striking piece, and as Philip Ramey writes in the liner notes to Wynton Marsalis' recording of this piece:

"Perhaps the most striking elements of this brittle yet lyric piece are the opening movement's trumpet cadenza with quiet snare-drum background and the jaunty cartoon-music finale."

Couldn't have said it better myself.

The trumpet, which dates to at least 1,500 B.C., has been a victim of musical snobbery in history.

Snobbery, eh? Do you have any particular composer in mind? Mozart was rumored to be a trumpet-ist.

But certainly not when Thomas Hooten is playing "Concerto for Trumpet" by French composer Henri Tomasi.

Wait, the trumpet players were the snobs?

The lyrical piece is neo-classic in texture, melody and rhythm and has three of the maestro's signature trademarks. The music is structured, concise and clear.

How convenient that three of Tomasi’s trademarks are completely consistent with all neo-classical music.

While some may regard this particular work as slightly brittle,…

Brittle?

Huh. I wonder who "some" might be.

…Hooten breathes life into the opening movement of the trumpet cadenza.

Cadenza = concerto?

While he appears to fatigue a bit during the cartoon-music finale, he nonetheless leaves the stage with a standing ovation.

Is it normal that only players who don’t get tired during a concerto get standing ovations?

And that's so funny that you called it a "cartoon-music finale"? I guess it didn't realize how clearly that finale sounds like cartoon music.

figure unoriginal: Hey, who's your favorite player?

Symphony No. 6 in B Minor, Opus 74, "Pathétique"

One of the great classical music composers is Pyotr Il'yich Tchaikovsky.

Are you writing a report for your high school music appreciation course? Here, let me save you some time by giving you part of a report I wrote on Tchaikovsky.

Tchaikovsky was born on May 7, 1840 and died of suicidal cholera on November 6, 1893. Although, he was Russian, Tchaikovsky was no communist as attested to by his pro-American anthem, the “1812 Overture”, written in honor of the glorious victory of America over the forces of evil (France) for a 4th of July celebration. Equally famous for his symphonic, ballet and operatic output, he strongly resented the trumpet.

And while Symphony No. 6 in B Minor was meant to be a celebration of life, he died nine days after its premiere.

How pathetic. But it’s a good thing that his death couldn’t actually rewrite the music, which should still sound like a celebration of life, right?

It begins with the somber voice of the double basses and is punctuated by the violas' mournful voice.

That’s not how I’d compose a piece celebrating life, but I’m not one of the great classical music composers either.

Listening carefully, one instinctively feels that something is haunting the composer's mind.

Aren’t the concepts of “listening carefully” and “instinctively” sort of at odds with each other?

Can I find fault with any sentence? Are all my comments in the form of questions? Never mind.

If only Tchaikovsky had called 555-2368, maybe the music wouldn’t have retroactively been rewritten. And maybe he might still be alive today.

The Richmond Symphony Orchestra does a flawless job of interpreting this agitation. All that was left in its wake was thunderous applause.

They applauded Tchaikovsky’s inner turmoil and utter demise? That seems like a bit of a jerk move don’t you think?

Anything written in A minor is bad-tempered gnashing of teeth*

I know critics must hate it when we take them literally, but seriously, is there any other way to read this?

Georges Bizet’s only complete symphony was a breeze for Sitkovetsky. All he had to do was conduct,...

Is that all? Pssh, I could have done that.

figure bizet: Compositional facial hair of the week.

...and he did it well, as in the other pieces.

But the Bizet, unlike the other pieces, was a breeze...what would you say made it so easy for Sitkovetsky?

He styled the melodies just right, marked effective, brisk tempos...

Well, that sounds like it might have taken years of training, not to mention a unique aptitude to style melodies "just right". So, that's not it...

...and shaped the structure so that it was just as much fun and enjoyable as the composer’s masterpiece, “Carmen.”

He made it as much fun as Bizet's opera "Carmen"? What an incredibly odd thing to say about his symphony. But still, that doesn't sound very easy at all.

Anything written in C major is always happy and spring-like.

So very true. But, is the Bizet Symphony in C in C major...? [checks the internets]

Why, yes, it is in C major!

So, therefore no matter what Sitkovetsky did, the music would always be happy and spring-like, leaving him ample time to mark effective tempos. That Sitkovetsky is one clever SOB.

Sitkovetsky didn’t hold any of that back.

Wait, what kind of asshole would hold back C major awesomeness?

-----------------------------------------------

*Find out what emotions are for all the keys here.

Friday Quickie: Performance took the miraculousness to a new level

I'm pretty sure there are rational explanations for most of the review that follows. But just in case, I think we need to set some ground rules. Some simple guidelines to help us get through the perfunctory introduction and description of standard works of music: 1) They aren't miracles, and 2) orchestras do more than "offer accounts" of said music, but less than rewrite the emotional content of the music.

Yes, I think that's a pretty good start.

Review: Young Spaniard leads ISO through a fine program
Jay Harvey, Indianapolis Star, March 5, 2011

A young conductor with an adventurous…

Ooh… “adventurous”. I am a fan of adventure, so consider me very excited.

…resume is on the Hilbert Circle Theatre podium this weekend, putting the Indianapolis Symphony Orchestra to the test with a couple of challenging American works.

Challenging? American? Hmmm....

No worries...still excited.

But there is more than just the bracing novelty of hearing John Adams' "Lollapalooza" and Aaron Copland's "Short Symphony" to commend this program to the public's attention.

I object to the classification of either of those works as novelty. Especially the Copland…I mean it has the word symphony in the title – how much of a novelty could it be?

figure Lollapalooza Warning: Who knew Lollapalooza was written in Pakistan.

I’m pretty sure that no offense is meant to either composer (I think), but I really am not sure what to make of calling American compositions novelties.

But, that’s actually not while we’re looking in on this review…

[snip]

After the orchestra “presented a cohesive performance” of Lollapalooza…

The 1933 Copland work, composed just past the crest of his high modernist period,…

Okay, I’m not sure Copland ever had a “high” modernist period (well at least in the 20s or 30s). But whatever...

…is less calculated to provide fun for either an orchestra or its audience.

“Calculated to provide fun”? That’s an odd turn of phrase when reviewing a symphony.

figure calculated fun: Modernism at its most fun.

Are any of the Brahms or Beethoven (for example) symphonies calculated to provide fun, or do we just reserve that qualification for novelty works?

It contains some elements of the popular appeal that would soon come to the fore in major ballets such as "Appalachian Spring" and "Billy the Kid."

Yes, that’s kind of true. What exactly are those "popular" elements? And what makes up the rest of the elements in the piece? It’s post-“high modernist”, not very fun, and preceded his populist music, and...?

But playing it may tend to reflect a love of labor more than a labor of love.

Har har. That’s some good word play, but I have no idea what would make you say that. Do you have some reason to conflate his politics with this particular piece of music, or were you just looking for something topical, yet relevant to Copland to say?

If so, nicely done.

figure love of labor: Just as upset at all these fat cat teachers and their fancy 1993 Nissan Sentras as I am!

So, now that we've fully established the history of this great, yet novelty work...what kind of performance did the orchestra offer?

Despite some tentativeness in the fast outer movements, Friday's performance offered an admirable account, with some nicely pointed lyrical contrast in the second movement.

An admirable account. Excellent. This seems like a great program so far, offering us a cohesive performance, then an admirable account…what else does the ISO have to offer us?

Argentine pianist Ingrid Fliter, in a return ISO engagement, offered a pert, frolicsome account of Saint-Saens' Piano Concerto No. 2 in G minor.

Offering a frolicsome account is a nice contrast to cohesive and admirable accounts.

She gave the homage-to-Bach opening music just enough seriousness,…

Because it’s not a novelty, right?

…then quickly focused on flair and agility, with stylish support in the accompaniment. The substance of the finale is spun out to tissue-paper thinness, but Fliter rendered it all with conviction. For an encore, she treated Chopin's "Minute" Waltz to a tempo massage that had it purring.

Tempo massage? Does that mean it went faster or slower?

Did the piece have a happy ending?

"La Mer" is always a miracle,…

Oh, I know I'm going to like where this sentence is going...a miracle you say? How so?

…in that audiences love it because of its reassuring picturesqueness, despite the radical nature of Debussy's harmonic and melodic language.

Radical? Are you sure? Perhaps (and that’s a big perhaps) it was radical to the audiences around when it was first premiered, but the piece begins quite convincingly in b minor and spends most of the first movement in some variation of 5 flats.

In fact the whole piece is anchored in some tonal center.

The music does drift harmonically quite a bit at times, but radical…I think might be overstating it just a tad.

But more importantly, it's a miracle if someone likes music with "radical" harmonic and melodic languages?!

Friday's performance took the miraculousness to a new level.

This might be my favorite sentence I’ve read in a review in a long time.

So, did they perform the piece with extra radical-ness in the harmonic language?

Heras-Casado drew from the ISO an incredible suppleness of response. He isolated certain details with crystalline clarity, but the piece's momentum wasn't disturbed by anything too finicky. Tempos were flexible and related logically to one another.

See, I thank Debussy for this, and more thank the conductor more for the gentle massage.

And the performance was emotionally moving to a surprising degree.

That is a miracle.

figure my breakfast: Also a miracle.

And Yet Another Orchestra Shows Incredible Balance

Another harmless review...but I'm not sure why I have to say this, but composers write the music, not the conductor, or the soloist, or the players. At a certain level of musicianship, the music isn't demonstrably more sad or powerful or jubilant. Tempos change, and articulations can vary...but these alterations are often slight. This isn't to say that the Berlin Philharmonic doesn't perform Beethoven 5th Symphony better than the Albuquerque Community Orchestra...they most certainly do. But the music...it's just as fateful in the beginning, and as triumphantly C major at the end. And it's been that way for 200 years.

So there.

Young pianist Yuja Wang conquers Rachmaninoff in terrific Oregon Symphony concert – orchestra at the top of its game
James Bash, OregonMusicNews.com, February 7, 2011

Ah, good, a sports cliche...now I know this will be thoughtful review.

Guest artist Yuja Wang brought her A game…

I’m going to admit it up front, that this I’m probably only bringing my C+ game to this critique.

But of course, you should still read on…

…to the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall on Saturday evening (February 5) at the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall…

They have an Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall at the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall now? That’s convenient.

…and created an impressive debut with the Oregon Symphony in her performance of Sergei Rachmaninoff’s Third Piano Concerto.

If only print newspapers had editors as attentive and fastidious as online editors…oh, wait.

Wang played this demanding work with incredible precision and artistic panache.

Panache is good. Precision…meh.

Her opening statement showed right away that she had power and finesse,…

Convenient then that Rachmaninoff put some powerful, yet finesseable music right up front.

…but…

My favorite part about the "but" construction in most of these reviews is the unnecessary juxtaposition of two usually positive things.

She was pretty but smart too.

….she excelled in creating the lush, rhapsodic atmosphere with a singing tone.

Her performance sounds dreamy…do you have a favorite part?

One of the most memorable passages…

Yeah...

…came in the second movement when she evoked a series of cascading waterfalls that opened onto a high plateau with an expansive vista.

She did what now? She evoked a waterfall? On a high plateau? With an expansive vista?!

Also, you said 'she'? Did the music not naturally evoke this image? If I understand you correctly, you are suggesting that her interpretation added waterfalls to the music?

She drew you a picture, right?

Maybe she could’ve lingered a little more here or there,…

‘Here’ or ‘there’? Are these real places, or are you making a sweeping generalization about the performance and hoping we just wouldn't care?

…but she is only 23 years old, and I’m sure that her interpretation will change in the future.

You're right. 23 year-olds don't linger as long as they should.

In support of Wang’s performance, the orchestra brought its A game as well.

So, we’re not grading on a curve then?

Any chance there’ll be extra credit on this concert?

figure bringing it: Joey Chestnut brought his A game when he downed 68 hot dogs and buns at the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest.

The series of duets in the first movement (flute, oboe, clarinet, horn, and bassoon)…

Yes, duets. Can I just pick any two instruments from the list above for the duet? Or were there duets of every possible combination (not permutations, since order does not matter)? Meaning there were…(remembering 11th grade pre-calculus)…

figure combinations: How the fuck do you solve an equation with no numbers?!

10 duets!? That’s kind of a lot…at least for just the first movement.

… had balance and grace.

Can you really have grace without balance? Think about it.

At one point in the second movement, the orchestra snuck in…

Ooh. Nice imagery. I wonder how they snuck in.

…as if they were all wearing really thick socks.

Well, that is an effective way of sneaking. And I’m assuming they took their shoes off first, because, you know, that would totally negate the benefits of really thick socks.

figure snuck in: Hey! Wait a minute...how did all you people get on this train?

The then…

“The then”...

…played in a way that made a very gradual crescendo that showed incredible control.

Really? You must be shitting me.

And they did this in the second movement?!

The brass flared impressively in the third movement when the music went off to the races,…

Dog or horse races? There is a difference you know.

Oh, or were they people races? If so, did the music also take in the high jump and javelin competitions as well?

Or...and I dare to ask...were they...?

figure man vs beast: Stupid giraffe.

…and the overall effect at the end of the piece was jubilation from all corners of the nearly sold-out hall.

Four for four, huh? And what about the center of the auditorium, was there jubilation there too?

Wang responded with an encore, Rachmaninoff Vocalise (Op.34 n. 14).

No way an encore was preplanned. Way to go audience, your jubilation spontaneously created an encore.

The orchestra opened the concert with a superb performance of Johannes Brahms’ Tragic Overture. Again, the orchestra demonstrated incredible balance and articulate phrasing.

I’m just wondering to myself if balance is the sort of thing that I could ever describe as “incredible”.

Two of the horns and principal bass trombonist Charles Reneau made the sound magically decay during an exposed section,…

Magically? Did you expect the sound to extend forever?

…and the lower strings marvelously created a wistful mood towards the end of the piece.

A wistful mood not indicated in the score?

Under the direction of Kalmar, this piece became a real gem.

Otherwise it’s a pile of shit.

The orchestra also made a very strong case for Carl Nielsen’s rarely heard Symphony No. 6, aka the Sinfonia semplice.

A “strong case”? What an incredibly odd thing to say.

Are the Brahms and Nielsen generally accepted as crappy pieces of works, and the Oregon Symphony disagrees, bravely standing in direct opposition to common wisdom?

The music in this piece seemed to travel in numerous directions in a fascinating way.

I'll bet it was hard to keep track of all the places you were going.

figure traveling in numerous directions: A little free advice from Deliverance Unto The Lord, Inc.

In the first movement alone, the orchestra went from suspenseful super quiet state to an agitated, fast and loud one before settling into a soothing ending.

Wow. Sounds like some super calls from the orchestra. Why Nielsen composed that first movement without a soothing ending is beyond me.

The second movement had an eclectic, disjointed feel (in his introduction, Kalmar told the audience to picture a group of children waking up from a nap)…

Yes…okay. Children waking from a nap…I’m thinking some portamento in the strings…no, glissandi in the trombones!

In fact, no strings at all…for a short…no, extended period.

…that was punctuated here and there by glissandos from principal trombonist Aaron LaVere, and for an extended period only the woodwinds, brass, and percussion played.

Thought so.

The strings got things going in the third movement with tight ensemble playing.

What “things” specifically did they get going?

After principal flutist Rose Lombardo played a beautiful solo, the mood of the music became strident before downshifting to a solemn and slow close.

With all those "things going", I bet it was a quite a relief when the music downshifted.

The fourth movement featured a waltz that the cellos and double basses usurped for a while until other themes developed and were exchanged seamlessly between sections.

You might say that the cellos and basses usurped that melody like Ahaz usurped the throne of Judah from his father Jotham, if I might be allowed a bit of biblical humor.

Gordon Rencher played a charming passage on the xylophone before the violins launched into a series of skipping phrases.

Where are you going with this? Are you under the impression that there are people for whom charming passages and skipping phrases might make them come to the concert? Or do just prefer to give anecdotal snippets instead of any substantive review?

The piece ended with the bassoons getting the last word, and that accented the overall whimsical nature of the piece.

Oh, those bassoons – can they not be whimsical?

I hope that the orchestra plays some more Nielsen in the near future.

Me too. But you’re not assuming that all of Nielsen’s music features whimsical bassoons, authoritarian lower strings, and manic mood changes, are you?

[Note to readers: I added the word "magically" to this review -- in a vain attempt to describe the decayed sound that Charles Reneau made.]

Well, why don’t you at least try, because, I’m not sure magical even begins to add to our understanding of how his decay might have differed from your standard decaying sound.

Mozart the Certain

If titles could cry, this one would be committing suicide by drowning itself in its own tears in a small, cold, windowless greenroom of the Vancouver Opera House.

What can Mozart teach us about leadership?

Brad Frenette

Vancouver Sun, Community of Interest Blog

Now, because the title is perhaps one of the most ridiculous I’ve ever encountered, I feel I need to provide a little background, so we don’t get the wrong idea. First, we should note that Brad Frenette is the general director of the Vancouver Opera, so already there’s a lack of journalistic standards and, perhaps, a conflict of interest. And second, the Sun’s Community of Interest blog describes its mission as “[…] featuring the opinions of tastemakers, community advocates and thought leaders from across Vancouver, Canada and the world […],” which means, if the title is any indication, that Brad is more of a tastemaker rather than thought leader. I guess, the wrong idea is already the correct one.

[whew]

Alright, let’s dig in.

--

So, what exactly can Mozart teach us about leadership? [tongue in cheek] Not that I expect an answer.

There are many reasons why I am passionate about opera:

That’s nice. Why don’t you list your reasons? Because, you know, they won’t be generic or anything.

“Okay,” he says.

…beautiful, emotional and inspiring music; literate, poetic language; grand and glorious productions on stages filled with singers, choristers and dancers; and very often, a link with important people and events in the past.

So often—but not all the time, mind you—there’s a link (i.e., ?) with things in (of?) the past.

Believe it or not, I, too, am passionate about the past. Like, it happened and stuff.

But another reason I am passionate about opera is the relevance it has for our lives today.

Because the general director of the Vancouver Opera is telling me that opera is relevant today, I should believe him. After all, he’d have no incentive to tell me otherwise, right?

Fine. How is it relevant? Does it have something to do with Mozart teaching us about leadership?

[Ha ha ha! I still can’t get over the title. It’s just wrong for so many reasons. Anyway…]

Opera is certainly not alone among the arts in this ability to speak to us about our own times, but it is the art form I know best and about which I can speak with certainty.

There’s certainly a lot of certainty going on here.  Certainly, when I encounter so much certainty, I am surely reminded, with certainty, of that without-a-doubt inspiring quip by the most famous of Jedi: “Only certain Sith Lords deal in irrefutable absolutes.”

And after a bit about how the opera company works hard to help their audience appreciate its 21^st century relevancy, despite its “powdered wigs and foreign languages,” this:

But here I believe is the wonderful secret of my art form: opera is about the big things, the important emotions of all of us humans….and these “big things” and large emotions don’t change from year to year, decade to decade, or even century to century. 

Rarely, these days do I encounter such advocacy of classical-era (enlightenment) thinking. Maybe I should go bleed myself to alleviate the headache this is causing me.

Sometimes these sweeping themes…

That is, large emotions that never change.

Sometimes these sweeping themes are rather personal: love and betrayal; estrangement; the distances created between families and friends and the bridges to span those distances.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me! Me! Pick me!

Yes, Empiricus?

That means, sometimes the sweeping themes, which are large emotions that never change, are also societal.

Very good, Empiricus.

Sometimes the big ideas are societal: when we last produced Aida, we investigated the plight of “Women in War” with Lloyd Axworthy, Ruth Segal and others;

Now pick me! Pick Me!

Yes, Brad?

Sometimes, self-promotion is all about leadership and Mozart taught me that.

Wrong, Brad.

…when we staged Macbeth our panelists examined “Power and its Abuse;”

You’re still doing it wrong, Brad. You’re not carrying the four. And you multiplied the denominator only afterwards. See what you did wrong, there?

…in 2002, during the opera Of Mice and Men important BC artists discussed the “Role of the Arts in Effecting Social Change.”

Nevermind, Brad. Just go to recess.

Our current offering, Mozart’s La Clemenza di Tito, is about one important thing:

Well, if the above was of any help, I would guess that Tito is about leadership, which is one large emotion. [cough]

But will it ever be explained? Tune in tomorrow for all the answers or not.

[tomorrow] 

Meanwhile, back at the Detritus Towers…

Our current offering, Mozart’s La Clemenza di Tito, is about one important thing: what qualities do we want in those who lead us?

Finally! Finally something refers to the title, that absurd, absurd title. Maybe now we’ll know the answer to the big question: how can Mozart teach us about leadership?

Mozart’s gorgeous and spirited music, the intriguing scenery and stellar singing are all in the service of this big idea [i.e., one large, never-changing emotion].

Yeah, yeah. But how is it that those things teach us about leadership?

Is ruling with compassion a better idea than ruling with vengeance?

Let’s ask Mozart!

Is the good of the people more important than the reputation of the leader? Does forgiveness in a leader show strength or betray weakness?

Sounds more like Mozart is asking the questions, rather than answering them.

Mozart’s opera inspired us to bring together a first-class panel last week at the Vancouver Public Library to discuss this notion of effective and compassionate leadership.

What can Mozart teach us about leadership?

Columnist Gary Mason, UBC professor Michael Byers, Tsawwassen First Nations Chief Kim Baird, Superintendent of West Vancouver schools Chris Kennedy, and Brenda Eaton, Chair of BC Housing Management Commission, discussed with one another and the audience their beliefs concerning leadership. 

Hello?! What can Mozart teach us about leadership?

Mason spoke of VANOC CEO John Furlong’s exercise in nation building which was built in part on the biggest Olympics torch relay in history…

!!!

…involving Canadians across this land, as well as convincing the powers-that-be to invest in the performance of our athletes, which paid off handsomely and helped unite the country in its pride and patriotism.

That doesn't have anything to do with Mozart, does it?

Michael Byers noted that after his long prison sentence and eventual rise to the South African presidency, Nelson Mandela rejected revenge as a tool of governance and instead focused on “truth and reconciliation” and sought to heal his country by his ferocious support of the Springbok Rugby team as it grew to be the World Cup winner, as portrayed in the film Invictus.

Ah, yes, Invictus. Wait, what?!

Isn’t Mozart supposed to teach us about leadership?

Qualities of leadership:

Just great. Another fucking list.

Qualities of leadership: what the past can tell us about, warn us about, prod us to think about.

Forget grammar, that doesn’t even make the slightest syntactical sense! And if those were the conclusions of the panel...well, "first-class" and "thought leaders" might be a tad exaggerated.

What great art – whether opera, symphonic music, great theatre or inspired painting – can help us to understand about our own lives and our own times:

Will our author give us another list, or is he just feigning? Vote now.

…isn’t that a timely and relevant conversation [...]?

Sorry, you clearly voted incorrectly. Please try new, more certain, leadership. Definitely delete. Obviously not Mozart. Patently an error. Irrefutably 404. Indubitably.

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Audiences Pleased By Audience-Pleasing Music

Recently, the San Antonio Symphony introduced a new music director. Let's check in and see how things are doing so far.

FIRST TAKE: So this is how it is going to be with new Music Director Lang-Lessing — …

…let’s say…yes?

…programs of bold, vivid, purpose-driven and audience-pleasing music.

I know, depressing prospect isn’t it.

figure purpose-driven: Rick Warren knows why I'm here on Earth. I'm guessing to help get more tax cuts for rich people. Really, is there any other purpose in life?

Though, it does beg the question what “purpose-driven” music is exactly.

It is one thing to schedule such music,…

Yes, that is “one thing”.

But, is it difficult to schedule programs of audience-pleasing music? In my experience, it takes some real cojones to schedule music that isn’t audience-pleasing.

…but another matter to deliver it with authentic, crisp precision and emotion like Lang-Lessing did in his first regular subscription concert.

Wow, sounds like you guys are really lucky getting the authentic performances of audience-pleasing music while all the rest of us suckers are stuck with disingenuous concerts of meandering, inexact music.

So what was this music so in need of some authentic crispness?

The two Franz Liszt tone poems, “Mazzepa” and “Les Préludes,” sizzled with electricity at every turn of their musical stories.

You guys got bold, vivid and authentic versions of the Liszt tone poems?! I’m so freaking jealous!

But I thought you mentioned something about “audience-pleasing”?

The performance of Antonin Dvorák’s Symphony No. 9, “From the New World,”…

Ah.

…nailed every emotion from tender nostalgia and spirituality to triumph.

Every emotion? Really? Now, I know that you must be exaggerating.

Everyone knows that it’s not humanly possible to nail every emotion in the New World Symphony.

figure care bears: Also nailed every emotion, and learned a valuable lesson at the end of each episode too!

Sure, most orchestras get the nostalgia and triumph. But what about the submissive contempt of the Poco sostenuto in the third movement? Most orchestras cop out with no more than amenable condescension.

OF NOTE: The solo star in the Dvorák symphony was English horn player Stephanie Shapiro, who performed the “Going Home” theme...

Seriously, people, the spiritual is based on Dvorak’s theme, not the other way around.

…performed the “Going Home” theme as if singing in a human voice.

See, I like my English horn sounding like an English horn. I guess I’m just funny that way.

Lang-Lessing extended the concert with a sparkling encore, leading the orchestra in one of the Slavonic Dances from Dvorák’s Opus 46.

Truly purpose-driven...or was that audience-pleasing?

And, in other news:

Citing "budget constraints" but no red ink, Vallejo Symphony leaders have canceled the second half of the critically acclaimed orchestra's four-concert season and promised "rebuilding" on firmer financial footing in the months to come.

That’s unfortunate. What happened?

[T]he orchestra's board of directors on Jan. 13 voted to "cease operations for the balance of the season," a decision that came just days after the symphony's recent concert featuring several pieces of new contemporary music.

Oh. I see.

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And, thank you to our loyal readers for your patience. We apologize for the lack of updates in the recent months, and hope to post more often soon. Who knew that newborns needed so much attention?

A New Year Quickie - Emphasis on structure robs music of forward pulse...Again!

I am becoming more and more convinced that some critics just don't read their reviews before they publish them. Seriously, I'm pretty sure what follows doesn't actually mean anything.

Although, when you take into consideration current day practices of music criticism...

NY String Orchestra @ Carnegie Hall
Eugene Chan, Queens Examiner, Dec. 31, 2010

Current day performance practice of Beethoven symphonies...

Okay, let me stop here and add that Eugene never once tell us which symphony the orchestra is playing. I guess I should be glad that he mentioned it was by Beethoven, because really, do you need to know anything else?

However, I'm more interested in learning about current day performance practices of Beethoven symphonies...

figure current day performance practices: Beethoven as performed by my iPhone.

It's all yours, Eugene.

Current day performance practice of Beethoven symphonies often emphasize fleet of tempo and attack.

A couple of things, and I hate to be picky, but your subject and verb really should agree. Also, I think you mean fleetness (a noun), since it's sort of difficult to emphasize an adjective in this context -- or you have a superfluous "of" before tempo. And, I'm not quite sure what a fleet attack in music is.

figure fleet: A clever play on words?

But never mind, we're learning something here.

Laredo's [the conductor] interpretation was slower and emphasized string playing that was plush in texture.

Plush? The string playing was "a fabric, as of silk, cotton, or wool, whose pile is more than 1/8 inch (0.3 cm) high"? Plus, isn't "in texture" sort of redundant?

Of course, we kid. Okay, his interpretation of the unnamed symphony was slower than you're used to, and featured a richer string sound. Sure, why not.

An audience member could often hear Beethoven's orchestration,...

...and the rest of the time?

...which sometimes was illuminating--...

Illuminating is good. So what was illuminated by the sometimes heard orchestration (in this version that was slower and had sumptuous strings)?

...for example about a minute into the fourth movement the interplay between first violins, violas and second violins.

Good call. That is totally an awesome moment. And please, don't waste your time explaining further, because we all know exactly where you're talking about in this unnamed Beethoven symphony.

At other times the emphasis on structure robbed the music of its forward pulse.

Precisely. If only Beethoven had... . What's that again?

[Rereads sentence] Okay?

figure confused?: Just try and figure out my logic.

"The emphasis on structure" -- I know what structure is, although I'm not quite sure how a performance emphasizes it. Extra loud accents when themes begin and end?

"...robbed the music of its forward pulse." -- So you're saying that music slowed down? Or is this a metaphorical pulse, as in the music lost your attention.

Fuck me, this isn't clear at all.

Maybe your conclusion will help clarify things.

However, after an entire concert of chamber-like balances...

Uh-huh. Symphonic music is always so inappropriately balanced?

...and volume restraint,...

Yes, the orchestra was too quiet, until...

...Laredo removed the reins off the orchestra at the very end.

I'm a big fan of the orchestra is a horse metaphor. Really, it's just such a contemporary, accurate comparison.

figure horse: See, a horse isn't a metaphor, it's a piece of art by Maurizio Cattelan.

The symphony closed with crackling horns and sizzling strings as the music hurtled to its close.

Well, that certainly cleared everything up.

After a slow performance that made that one section with the violins and violas audible, but robbed the forward pulse through emphasis on structure, the conductor flung the music to its close on a metaphorical horse.

Praise to the principal flute Adrienne Kantor for her graceful adornment in the slow movement of the Brahms Double and the rapid fluttering passage work in the finale of the Beethoven.

Yes, praise be to Adrienne.

Mozart's Music Receives Zesty Performance -- It's About Damn Time

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times...let's leave musicology to the professionals. Professionals like Paul Hyde of the Greenville News.

Review: Mozart's personality shines through in Greenville Symphony Chamber Orchestra concert
Paul Hyde, GreenvilleOnline.com (The Greenville News), November 20, 2010

Mozart, it’s often said, kept his personal emotions out of his musical works.

Really? I've never heard this before.

But you know, his music did always strike me as strangely formulaic... 4 bars--half cadence, another 4 bars--authentic cadence. Hard to cram emotion (especially personal ones) into that.

Good call.

figure personal emotion: If Mozart really wanted to add emotion to his music, he really should have just used emoticons like a normal person.

Maintaining an Olympian detachment, Mozart the classicist never revealed his inner self as did many a Romantic composer, Tchaikovsky most notably.

Money troubles don't rival the creative gold-standard of repressed homosexuality.

But clearly the difference between the two couldn't be the increased used of chromaticism, larger, more opulent orchestrations, and the use of superliminal narratives.

And if the Detritus has taught me anything, it's that with this kind of set up surely something will challenge this more than well-established premise (I mean, it is printed in a newspaper so it must be true).

Yet Friday night’s all-Mozart concert by the Greenville Symphony Chamber Orchestra seemed to belie that notion.

Ah, I see. Until now, it had been the performers (which have included the New York Philharmonic, the Berlin Philharmonic, and musicians who actually knew Mozart) who failed to decipher Mozart's hidden message of personal emotion deep inside his music...that is, until the Greenville Symphony took a crack at the task.

The works had a strongly autobiographical flavor.

Who knew? I'm very excited to discover what deep meaning has been previously unheard in these mystery Mozart works.

A listener could sense the man behind the music.

This is very exciting.

figure man behind the music: Why, the masons were responsible for the economic collapse, behind the JFK assassination, faked the moon-landing, and (from what I've read) are made up of humoid reptilians who run the world by replacing world leaders.

Take, for instance,...

Ooh. A "for instance". I guess an example would be nice. But really, Paul, we would have taken your word for it.

...the first piece on the concert, which took place at the Peace Center’s Gunter Auditorium.

Is the location important our cryptographic discovery, or were you just throwing that in to satisfy those pesky 5 w's?

Mozart wrote the three-movement Symphony No. 27 when he was only 17 years old.

Excellent. We'll start with insights into the mind of the young genius. Just think of how different he must have felt, an isolated genius still under the shadow of his famous father and constantly performing in the courts of royalty. Nope, not just your typical youth full of hope and gumption.

The sprightly work is clearly the work of a young man, a little superficial...

A little superficial...wait, the young man or the work?

...but full of youthful hope and gumption.

This is quite the penetrating analysis. I'm not sure how you were able to ascertain these kinds of insights. I mean, hearing an upbeat, major mode symphony primarily in triple meter written by a teenager...how ever could you discern this image of a young man full of hope?

But never mind, this was the clearly the product of the playing by the Greenville Symphony.

What kind of account did they offer?

Conductor Edvard Tchivzhel and the orchestra offered a spirited account of the appealing symphony.

You'd have to think that a performance that yielded answers to 237-year old mysteries would have to be at least a "spirited" account, if not an effervescent one.

Likewise, “A Musical Joke” spotlighted the playful adult Mozart in full-throated guffaw, parodying some of the inept composers of his day.

See now, I knew about this one.

figure musical joke: Har har har.

A listener got a vivid sense of Mozart the notorious prankster in this odd but amusing work, with its ditsy themes, meandering phrases and intentional wrong notes.

figure another musical joke: I'm laughing on the inside.

A vivid sense of a notorious prankster?

I guess there's no arguing with how significant an insight this is into the hidden personal emotions of Mozart. He was young, and had a sense of humor...breakthroughs for sure, but there must be more.

I mean, these first two works are obscure Mozart, what about his greatest hits?

In the second half of the concert, the Overture to “The Marriage of Figaro”...

Interesting. This is indeed full-on super-famous Mozart. I wonder what personal emotions Mozart managed to squirrel away in a piece about meant to precede and introduce a fictional story.

...showed a less antic but more effervescent side of the composer.

I see. So, it was Mozart's personal effervescence that made this piece what it is, and not the fact that he stole the opening melody from the combination to Willy Wonka's musical lock. At least that's what I've always taken from this work...Mozart's compulsive kleptomania.

Most people don't realize that the Haffner Symphony was really written as part of plea deal with the good people at Haffner's Discount Pantaloons and Wig Shoppe.

Tchivzhel and the orchestra presented a zesty reading of the piece.

The performances were spirited and zesty, just like my favorite salad dressing. And on such a historic evening...

figure zesty: "A spirited mixture of garlic, onion, sweet red bell pepper, carrots and Italian spices sure to help you grill like a gourmet."

Throughout this annual all-Mozart concert, Tchivzhel elicited crisp, clear-textured playing from the orchestra’s musicians.

Crisp, too?! This must have been one incredibly tasty salad...er, concert.

Closing the program was a familiar late work, the Symphony No. 40, a minor-key composition that has suggested to many listeners Mozart’s bleak state of mind at a time of depression and financial difficulties.

Good point. With also his highfalutin musicology, some music fundamentals could help reveal some important truths as well. And in case any of you have forgotten the basic rule of all music composition...minor-key equals sad and major-key equals happy. Really, all you'll ever need to know about music, at least in my experience.

figure sad mozart: Mozart composing a piece of somber, but not quite woebegone, music.

Though, I wonder which part of the 40th symphony specifically suggested financial difficulties?

Personally, I think it must have been the 11-tone row used in the powerful development of the 4th movement. The decentralized key center clearly represented his general economic malaise, in which the 11 used tones represented everyone getting their money, with the 12th pitch, being Mozart, getting none. Brilliant.

And for you to have picked this up simply from a zesty performance. Bravo, sir!

Tchivzhel emphasized the work’s restless, turbulent spirit. The work ends on a note of darkness and irresolution,...

Yes, that 8-bar dominant pedal into strong beat tonic triads really does leave you feeling uneasy.

...as if it had much more to say — a perfect symbol of the composer himself.

Is that really symbol? Maybe more of a metaphor, wouldn't you say?

Whatever.

A mere three years after writing the Symphony No. 40, Mozart would be dead, probably of acute rheumatic fever,...

Is this a particularly important point, or were you just tossing this in for...I don't know, let's say, to show that you read Mozart's wiki page before you wrote this article.

...two months short of his 36th birthday.

Ah, so in addition to the 40th symphony revealing Mozart's personal emotions, it also foretold events to come?

A sad, untimely death it was for the composer, to be sure,...

Because there are those who would doubt this?

...but what a grand and poignant life’s legacy he left behind, as the Greenville Symphony Chamber Orchestra’s annual all-Mozart concerts graciously remind us.

Yes, but the point was about the personal emotions the symphony discovered embedded in pieces previously thought to be cold and barren.

Happy Birthday Elliott! Again. Ugh.

Another smattering of birthday celebrations; a few newly inked scores; and yet another chance for our critic brethren to reflect upon the miraculous music and career of one of the world’s most vital centenarian composers.

New Yorker Elliott Carter’s 102nd birthday a perfect excuse to venture into his complex world
John Teruads
Toronto Star, A Sound Mind, Classical Music Blog

…with a title that says, “Eh, well, he’s 102; that’s something, at least.”

As the title may suggest, this little puff piece, doesn’t…what’s the word? Puff.

New Music Concerts was not able to get Elliott Carter to Toronto for tonight's celebration of his 102nd birthday at the Isabel Bader Theatre (the actual birthday is tomorrow).

Downer. “Now that’s a concert I want to go to!”

It's not just by virtue of longevity that Carter has become known as a connoisseur's composer.

For those who may be new to the DR, “connoisseur’s composer” means no audience, often for a reason. And what that has to do with longevity, which is a virtue according to our author, I have no clue.

Long ago,

In a galaxy quite removed from today’s schmaltzy nostalgia for tonality…

Long ago, when the art music world was in the thrall of atonal composition, Carter (like his French counterpart, Olivier Messiaen) developed his very own musical grammar.

And all by himself!

Figure 1: Who’s a big boy? Who’s a big boy? You are!

I'm oversimplifying…

No shit. Maybe you should mention that these guys were also atonalists.

…but his music starts with a layering of diverse rhythms.

First of all, “diverse rhythms.” Are you saying that he used both eighth notes and sixteenth notes? Or that the rhythms are more complex than that? Didn’t he exploit metric modulation with some notoriety in the 40s?

Second, I learned metric modulation in third grade. So…

For his sound palette, Carter assembled a catalogue of (unusual) chords…

…based on intervallic content, as in atonal set-theory, which is perfectly adaptable to serialization, which he did.

…Carter assembled a catalogue of (unusual) chords, not a set of tone rows, as his serialist peers would usw [sic].

Serialism is dead, therefore, Elliott Carter is not a serialist, right?

The results are no easier to grasp at first hearing.

His own musical grammar + diverse rhythms + unusual chords = the results. Fucking spot on, John!

Like a lot of expressionist visual art, Carter's music rewards multiple visits and analytical listening.

Okay, I am about to link to Wikipedia, which is something I usually hesitate to do, because…

Well, it’s like this: while there are some awesome-smart people in this world, if I were ever to be charged with, say, murder, I would do everything in my abilities to avoid a trial and, thus, avoid being judged by my peers. Got it?

In this case, however, I’m going to link to the Wikipedia article on Expressionism, because it took me nearly three seconds to find it, which only shows how little research it took to find something to the contrary (it’s also cited):

[Expressionism’s] typical trait is to present the world in an utterly subjective perspective, radically distorting it for emotional effect, to evoke moods or ideas.

Ahem. Either John doesn’t know what expressionism is about or Elliott is getting it wrong. I’ll leave it to you, dear reader, to judge for yourself.

Hold on a minute! This is a concert puff piece, right? So why should I go, again?

The Isabel Bader Theatre is normally a horrible place to hear classical music because of its dry-as-dust acoustics.

But, for Carter’s music…?

Figure 2 (courtesy of Opera Chic): Happy Birthday Mr. Carter!

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Thanksgiving, Detritus Style

Nearing the end of our third year bringing you the finest meta-music journalism the profession has ever seen and having some spare time from the rigors of academic life, I’d like to take this opportunity to talk about something a little different. I’d like to take you on a tour, a very magical and perhaps mysterious tour—a brief look into the world of The Detritus Review.

For some time, the board of directors had entertained the possibility of leading guided tours through the halls and offices of the Detritus Tower, where all the (now classic) musical shenanigans sprout from the ether and bud into bulbous bundles of blogosphere brilliance. However, even The Detritus Review is not immune to the collective ill fortunes of capitalist speculation and, thus, that plan was scrapped.

But, in its conception, it was glorious. There were to be two guided tours each workday, lead by none other than the magnificent Gustav himself. He would have taken the tour groups, first, through the Great Hall, which currently serves as the main library and contains some of the most rare and curious volumes of forgotten cultural lore. This was to be followed by a brief stop to my cubicle or to Sator Arepo’s corner office to witness the feeding of his caged gorilla named Bernard. Also, there would have been a stop to the luxurious conference room, which we lovingly call “The Con,” after Star Trek. Here, the tour group would have been invited to watch a brief video history of the DR and be treated to an endless supply of Jolt and Doritos. And if that wasn’t enough, the tour would end with a stop by the newly added gift store, where you would have had the opportunity to purchase one of our signature line of poker visors! (My personal favorite: “I’m a Detritus Fish”)

Alas, any prospect that a tour of such grandeur takes place is now dead. Yet, I hope to fill some of your voyeuristic needs by inviting you to follow along with my thought process, step by step, beginning to end, while I search for and deconstruct an odorous pile of words, the end result of which will eventually find its way onto the front page.

How’s that sound? Great! Glad to have you on board. Let’s get cracking!

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There are obviously many facets to the production of our posts, all with a degree of purpose and, hopefully, integrity. But before anything can be done, there are certain ground rules to which we must adhere.

Here is a brief description of just one of the criteria and how we come to negotiate it. For the most part, the articles we chose are found online. (I like to think we save trees from further embarrassment) This brings up several questions. First, does the source maintain journalistic standards or, at least, does it say it tries to? And, second, is the source aiming for profit? If yes to both, we feel we have the obligation to criticize it; this obviously means that newspapers will be our main sources. But if the answer to one or more of those questions is negative, I will consult the I-Ching chances are we won’t touch it with a ten-foot Polish person. Blogs, in the traditional sense, i.e. those not attached to newspapers, are generally off-limits. So ACD, consider yourself mostly-lucky.

There are certainly other things we think about before we deconstruct a music review, but I won’t bore you too much longer. Just one more thing: unfortunately, many of these ground rules were discovered after initial dissemination. We have since eliminated these faults, but would like to emphasize that apples are also vegetables, depending on how you look at them.

Okay, so you have a taste for where we begin. Now, let’s find an article and rip it apart. I have many of the major newspapers bookmarked, but my favorite way to go about finding an article is to take a random walk through a forest of armpit hair. The critics who write for major newspapers usually do a good enough job, so a little grunt work is often needed. I usually start by hopping over to onlinenewspapers.com, which is simply a directory of online newspapers, big and small, especially the small ones. And so I click on a random newspaper, like the Arkansas Times, where I found this:

Arkansas Symphony Orchestra’s ‘New World’
By Edward Wooten

Scanning…scanning…

Ah, the symphony has a new director. “How ‘bout that?,” I think to myself.

It was apparent even before the concert began that a new era was at hand.

Okay. Yeah. But I can’t really work with it, unless…

A more energetic setting of the National Anthem also signaled the arrival of a new era.

Hmm. Can I twist this to make fun of the National Anthem? Can I make fun of Arkansas-ionians? Is that even a word? Can I use that as an in? Ooh! I wonder if I can make fun of National Anthem connoisseurship?

Maybe I should wait a bit longer to make fun of this. Let’s read a little more, first.

([The director’s] predecessor had used the hymn-like arrangement first used at the Greek Olympics.)

Yeah! See, this can be funny stuff. I don’t know if he means that the ancient Greeks used the national anthem or if it was performed at the recent Olympics in Greece. Plus, hymn-like tunes are so yesterday, right? I mean, he’s insinuating that more energy is required to reinforce, or maybe reinvigorate, patriotism, or that the National Anthem is boring.

See, these are things that go through my mind as I read what may turn out to be a decent article. However, I usually require more substance than that, which was simply some awkward wording. Let’s see if there’s anything else.

The Bernstein was vigorously performed[…]

Well, maybe this whole “vigor’ thing can serve as a thread for this post? I mean, if you think about it, what our reviewer is responding to is the smoke and mirrors of fast and loud. Let’s keep this in mind, shall we?

The highlight of the program, however, was the Dvorak [“The New World”].

Okay. The meat and apples of the concert. This part usually contains some good DR fodder.

The significant themes and motifs in every section stood out.

Heh. That’s a limp thing to say. I guess it could be worth mentioning as an aside. What else can we use for our meta-review?

[The director] conducted the familiar second movement up-tempo just enough to eliminate the dirge-like performance it often gets[…]

Well, there we go! For some reason our author just likes fast. Maybe we can do a NASCAR joke or two (probably at the beginning). I’m sure this material would make a fine DR meta-review. Don’t you think?

The orchestra played throughout with the raw vigor that the piece demands.

More cushion for the pushin’! I think we’ve stumbled across the right article.

Sometimes it happens this quickly, sometimes it doesn’t. I don’t want to give you the impression that we here at the Detritus Review don’t do any work or research; but sometimes fate intervenes and hands us a pile of words that begs for the royal treatment.

(It is a "ninth symphony," after all.)

Oh, this is just a long, fantastic purple cherry on top! How lucky are we?! How could we even hope to get through a review of a symphony concert without the slightest reference to Beethoven even though Beethoven wasn’t on the program? Beautiful. Simply beautiful; and, yet, stereotypical of clunky music journalism.

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Alright, guys. We have an article, a thread, and even some material. So, now it’s my job to put all this into some sort of coherent narrative and to flesh out the jokes with a bit more precision. Once that is done, we can be a little creative and spice it up with some links and silly pictures, which may or may not have anything to do with the review.

I like to start this phase by coming up with a title that…
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