Rhetoric Effectively Used to Say Little

I've read reviews in the past, but never one quite like this. It was fitting, and poured across my eyes like words from a computer screen. The descriptions glowed effervescently with metaphors and similes sparkling with the delirium of cliche observations and orgasming in a "cool down" and a dubbing.

Chopin was there too.

Review: Rockford symphony starts season on high note
Tim Hughes, RRStar.com (Rockford Register Star), September 20, 2010

I’ve attended opening night at the symphony in the past, but never one quite like this.

Really? Never??

figure guess: This would be a bit different...what do you think?

So what was so unique about this concert?

It began with Czech composer Bedrich Smetana’s “Overture to the Bartered Bride,” a comic opera which, since its first performance 145 years ago, has become a staple of opera company repertories around the world.

So, the overture to a standard repertoire opera is uncommon for opening night symphony concerts?

I think I'm confused.

The brief, lively overture was a fitting opening number for the new season, reaching an incredible intensity.

Fitting? Why do you say that? It's a comic opera about arranged marriages...is that the fitting part?

Or just the "incredible intensity"?

Then came the evening’s guest artist, Jeffrey Biegel.

You're right. Why would we care about why you felt it necessary to single out this opening night concert as unique, or why the Smetana overture was especially apt? That kind of first-person elucidation is boring.

Let's move on.

In honor of the bicentennial of Frederic Chopin’s birth, Biegel performed two of the composer’s early opuses...

Seems logical, but rather stiff...how about a out-of-place metaphor or simile that tells us nothing?

...that at times fell on the audience’s ear like cascading brook water.

Beautiful. Plus it's rather cliche. Bravo, sir.

figure Monument to Chopin in the Singapore Botanical Gardens: Not funny, just thought it odd that Singapore has a monument to Chopin.

So, I'm a pretty big fan of overwrought prose and metaphorical descriptions. Do you have any more?

At other times, it was delivered with a fury that gemmed and jeweled each note as his fingers flew across the keyboard.

Impressive. I think you've succeed quite nicely in telling us pretty much nothing.

Next, Biegel performed Keith Emerson’s “Piano Concerto No. 1,”...

Which Chopin did he play again?

...which radiated with an onrushing cacophony of sound glittering with the frenzy of modern urban life and climaxing in a horizon wide crescendo of breathtaking tonal power.

Bravo. Your words are as florid as they are meaningless.

After taking several well deserved bows,...

I'm sure the ovations were well-deserved...the bows on the other hand...

...Biegel, in what might be deemed a “cool down” encore, moved the audience with a tender rendering of Chopin’s “Fantasy Impromptu.”

"Cool down"?

figure cool down: Good call. We definitely wouldn't want to do something we would feel sorry about later. Thanks, Chopin.

Anyway, why would one have doubted that deeming?

The evening was capped with a performance of Brahms’s sprawling “Symphony No. 1.,” dubbed “The Tenth” in recognition of it similarities to Beethoven’s ninth.

Why tell us the Brahms has similarities to Beethoven's Ninth Symphony? Is that relevant to this performance?

Nevermind, you're right, don't overwhelm us with details. Information only confuses the matter.

General impressions, melodramatic metaphors, and unexplained opinions are the tools of any great critic.

Themed Music

(or: It Probably Made More Sense in Italian)

Symphony, chorale put on “King” of a show
Sue Langenberg, Rockford Register-Star, 3/22/2010

The Rockford Symphony Orchestra invited Rockford’s Mendelssohn Chorale to share the stage at the Coronado Performing Arts Center on Saturday evening.

Rockford’s in northern Illinois, about an hour each from Chicago, Madison, Milwaukee, and Dubuque, Iowa.

Figure 1: The Phantom Regiment Drum & Bugle Corps, also from Rockford, Illinois.

It was part of the Classic Series themed “God Save the King.”

Yeah.

So I did a little research. “Themed” seems sort of intuitively okay, but this usage is awfully strange. The adjectival form “themed” of the noun “theme” used in conjunction with an adjective or noun, and almost always after a hyphen, e.g.:

The girl’s princess-themed birthday party…
A dinosaur-themed miniature golf park…

...is becoming more common in the entertainment industry and related fields, but is slow to find acceptance in common usage and among grammarians. “Themed” as past tense (of a verb “to theme”) is pretty rare (92% of the American Heritage Dictionary Usage Panel were against it), but it works, I guess. Would you say, “I themed my daughter’s birthday party.”? I wouldn’t.

Anyhow, I thought that was interesting. Perhaps, I mused, I’m dealing with a real wordsmith here, someone pushing the boundaries of English usage and up on the latest trends. What a treat!

With about 150 musicians on stage, although the estimates ranged, it was a compelling event to experience the full potential of home-grown talent performing a classy concert in a sort of musical heaven.

Ah, well. Not so much.

That sentence needs a brain transplant.

Figure 2: Steve Martin, 1983.

Even though the estimates (of attendance?) ranged [sic], the classy-ness of the concert was compelling. In a musical heaven, in Rockford, Illinois, sort of.

Three esteemed composers, Felix Mendelssohn, George Frideric Handel and Joseph Haydn, were saluted in the program.

Saluted…by having their music performed, one surmises.

They were historically connected by birth, death and professional accomplishment, said RSO musical director Steven Larsen.

All three were born, died, and composed music? I’ll give you that. No wonder he’s the music director!

While all three were born in German-speaking countries, they produced the majority of their works in England.

Haydn produced the majority of his works in England?

No. No, he did not.

That is silly. That is a silly, silly thing to assert; and by “silly I mean “false”.

Because I know you read the Wikipedia article on Haydn (see below), so you should know that he lived in Austria for his entire life (1732-1809, right, music students?) and made two trips to London (in 1791-92 and 1794-95).

Moreover, the program selections had a celebratory feel at the dawn of rebirth and renewal, a special rite of spring with each “Alleluia.”

I can’t decide if “program selections” or “dawn of rebirth and renewal” is more deliciously redundant. Just “dawn of rebirth” alone is precious. Because, you know: classical music, first day of spring. That kind of thing.

Figure 3: Sumer is acumen in.

Handel’s Coronation Anthem from “Zadok the Priest” was composed for all vocal ranges and full orchestra.

I think “all vocal ranges” means “chorus”? Also, Zadok the Priest is an awesome name. For a thing.

Choruses from Handel’s “Judas Maccabeus,” an oratorio in three acts, were performed next after Larsen made light of the actual text that may or may not connect to contemporary appreciation.

Wow. This must be translated from Italian or something (“made light of”? Like: illuminated? Ridiculed? What?).

The text—the actual text—may or may not connect to our modern “appreciation”, appreciation being what it is these days.

Special guest tenor Geoffrey Agpalo and baritone Gerard Sundberg joined the orchestra and chorale to reign supreme.

Reign supreme?

Agpalo, who sang in selections from "Judas Maccabeus," began his singing career in lighter musical venue, but changed his focus to operatic roles.

Make sense. Lighter musical venue is a great place to cut your tooth.

He was an intriguing presence while Sundberg seemed to reign in pure form with his beautiful and clear voice.

There’s “reign” again. Is this about the way the concert is themed?

Haydn’s Symphony No. 101 in D Major, “The Clock,” was performed in the typical four movements with the rhythmic ticking featured throughout.

That’s a relief. Nowadays, what with their new-fangled ideas and ankle-revealing footwear, those upstarts and whippersnappers often perform Haydn 101 in however many movements they dang well please.

A prolific composer of symphonies, string quartets and sonata form, Haydn is placed at the forefront of the classic period with Beethoven.

What? “A prolific composer of…sonata form”? Not String Trios? Piano Sonatas? Piano Trios? Oratorios? Sonata form? Where did that come from?

[Wikipedia]: He is often called the "Father of the Symphony" and "Father of the String Quartet" because of his important contributions to these genres. He was also instrumental in the development of the piano trio and in the evolution of sonata form.

Ah, well.

There you go then. Good fuckin’ work.

With many more chapters of musical history since that era of the 18th century,

Chapters are on the what now? And which era of the 18th century?

…the contemporary ear might be more tuned to…

Lady Gaga?

Figure 4: The selfsame and aforementioned.

…such testosterone-rich composers as Sergei Prokofiev…

What.


…or as emotionally satisfying as Peter Tchaikovsky.


Um…

By contrast, Haydn might seem lightweight in a perpetually happy 2/4 meter.

Final Exam, a Play in One Act. By Sator Arepo

Theory professor: All right, the last question on the exam is, “Explain 2/4 time.”

Ernest Music Student [writing furiously]: 2/4 is a simple duple time signature indicating that the tactus is the quarter note, and there are two quarters per measure. Metrically, the hierarchical structure puts more emphasis on the downbeat, whereas…

Theory professor [interrupting]: What’s all this? This is all wrong.

Student: What?

Theory professor: We were looking for “perpetually happy.”

Student: What?

History professor: Pfft. Haydn was a lightweight.

Theory professor: I know, right? Prokofiev, now that dude had balls.

Student: What?

[fin]

This symphony hearkened to the symphonic language and genius of the era that laid the foundation for composers yet to come.

What? It hearkened to the language that it used?

Haydn has been frequently referred to as the “father of symphony,” a historic position along the way.

A historic…position…along the way? That’s awful and means nothing.

The Mendelssohn Chorale singing Mendelssohn finished the program in all the glory of vocal and symphonic power.

Okay? At least I understood that.

Selections from “Elijah” also featured Sundberg with the chorale under the direction of MC’s Martha Bein.

Who else was “also featured”?

Also featured were concertmaster Rachel Handlin, flutist Scott Metlicka, oboist Debra Freedland, bassoonist Karl Rzasa, horn player Becky Asher and trumpeter Mark Baldin.

Ah.

While Larsen always acknowledges an awkward applause here and there between movements, he found himself gesturing the final moment that seemed to say, “that’s all folks,” in good humor.

He gestured...the final moment? Wow.

At least the review was grammatically well-themed, as it were.

Details, people. Details.

Question: What do music critics value above all else?

I'm going to guess...the music.

No, no, journalistic integrity.

Perhaps, the service they provide to the community and their readers. ...

figure answer: "The...all....ighty....ollar...... Hahahah..I get it!"

-----------------------------------------------

Nat Bauer, of the Rockford Register Star, reviews the Cypress String Quartet, but more importantly has reminded me of a valuable lesson -- look deeper, and ask yourself what's missing.

Before we get to the review in question, let's start with some practice.

What's Missing?

How'd you do?

Great. Your skills have been honed and now, onto the review.

Quartet embraces classic, contemporary works

I'm glad to hear this, because those classic works are just too infrequently played and unfairly maligned. If musicians would just program these works, and give audiences the chance to get to know this music, the gifts of Georg Christoph Wagenseil and Josef Mysliveček wouldn't be lost on this generation.

So, what old, forgotten works in need of a good hug were on the concert?

Kleotzel [the cellist] introduced the first work, Mendelssohn-Bartholdy’s “Siring [sic] Quartet in A Minor, Op. 13,” also known as the “Ist es Wahr?” (“Is it True?”)

"also known as"...really? Not subtitled or inscribed...but, aka? ...I just hate when our vocabulary gives out on us.

But really, all of those would have been wrong. The piece is not subtitled "Ist es Wahr?", but instead borrows a three-note motive from a song of the same name that the composer had written a few months earlier. Small details, I know, but if you're going to mention them, accuracy helps.

And if you're into fun facts, why fail to mention that this three-note motive is eerily similar to one used in a Beethoven string quartet. String Quartet No. ...? Ooh, which one? I know I'll think of it, if you just give me a minute.

Oh well, I'm sure it'll come to me. Let's move on. What else is on the concert?

Ward [one of the violinists] introduced the next work, “Lento Assai,” which was commissioned for the quartet by Kevin Puts and premiered in February at the Library of Congress in Washington.

Details would help here too. Kevin Puts is the composer, not the commissioner. It helps when sentences make sense.

Anyways, moving on...

Borrowing some ideas from Beethoven,...

Really, like what?

...the work very slowly emerges with a pianissimo D-flat major chord,...

Oh, well, why even point out something this obvious. I mean a D-flat major chord, that just screams Beethoven. It's just like his famous D-flat major symphony, and all those D-flat major string quartets and piano sonatas.

...slowly builds to a haunting melody by first violin, expands into a more contemporary melody and harmony, then returns to conclude with the soft, subtle and almost seductive texture that began the work.

I've always enjoyed music that builds before it expands so much more than when it expands first and then builds.

Which, reminds me...what was that Beethoven quartet again?

The final work of the evening was Beethoven’s “String Quartet in F Major, Op. 135,”...

Ahh! Damn it! You beat me to it. But, that's the one.

So, this is excellent. Both pieces on the same concert -- explain to us, Mr. Bauer, how the Beethoven utilizes three-note motives and then was likely a source of inspiration for the Mendelssohn....

...which was written shortly before his death. Filner [the violist] explained that it poses two thoughts in musical motif format: “Muss es seine?” (“Must it be?”) and “Es muss seine!” (“It Must Be!”)

Okay. Yes, but what of the connection to the Mendelssohn? You hinted at it...now finish us off by explaining the similarity of the motives, and how they use similar rhythms which were derived from three word, existential questions.

To this day, 184 years later, the reason for and answer remains a mystery.

Umm...what? First, grammatically speaking, you need an object in that sentence. I assume you're referencing the quotes, so you could write, "...the reason for the quotes and their answer..." and so forth. Although, it still suffers from a lack of clarity.

Also, remains implies a singular object....
i.e. It remains...
They remain...
...so in this case we have two objects being referenced (the reason and the answer). Therefore, the sentence should read, "the reason for and answer remain a mystery."

Okay, now I'm getting sidetracked...let's try this again.

To this day, 184 years later, the reason for and answer remains a mystery. The music surrounding them, however, is classic Beethoven and has gained upper status in classical repertoire.

Mr. Bauer...praising the music is all well and good, although, I'm not sure what "upper status" means exactly, but you're missing the obvious. You're so close...you could have just made the connection between the Mendelssohn and the Beethoven and tied the whole concert (and review) together into nice, neat little package. But sadly, no.

First of all, not to be picky or anything, but the Beethoven was written in October 1826, making it pretty much exactly 183 years old. You're within a reasonable margin of error, but two seconds of research or editing would have prevented that mistake.

And, "the reason for and answer remains a mystery". Well, the quotes may have unknown origins (I'm not a German scholar, but I'd probably guess some literary source, while others have suggested they were inspired by an exchange between Beethoven and a friend regarding the payment of money), but this isn't like trying to unify relativity and quantum theory. These quotes do have some explanation -- musically speaking, Beethoven utilizes the implied rhythm of those two phrases (as though set for voice) to create his two rhythmic motives.

"Must it be?" = long, short, long
and
"It must be!" = short, long, long

...also, (and I hate to write so lengthily on this) why not mention that these motives are for the fourth movement, also known as "Der schwer gefaßte Entschluß" (or The Difficult Resolution), and not the entire work? It's kind of confusing, because it seems like you're implying that these motives are present in the first movement, and that's just wrong.

Remember, details help. Details are our friend.

The opening begins grave and poses the “Muss es seine?” motif, quickly followed by the playful and energetic allegretto. The scherzo has brilliance and a unique 50-measure robust repetitive rhythmic figure in the lower voices with first violin playing a melody like a country fiddler.

Do you see how this is confusing? You wrote about the fourth movement first (but I think you think it's the first movement), and then the second movement, which you fail to introduce as such.

Remember: Details, good. Confusion, bad. If confusing prose were an ice cream flavor, it'd be pralines and dick.

And, again with the clarity issues, "a unique 50-measure robust repetitive rhythmic figure," makes it sound like the figure that was repeated was 50 measures long. Frankly, I can think of several different ways to interpret that phrase. Your thought could so much more easily expressed if you had written something like:

...a unique 50-measure passage in the lower voices prominently featuring a robust rhythmic figure.

Or any variation of that, yes?

The third movement was very soft with a simple chorale like melody in four variations, the final movement culminating with a very definitive musical “It must be!”

figure shirt: Your article being the cognitive culmination of "It must be user error."

Okay, so you're not so much deliberately misleading us, as much as I think you're a bit confused. The first movement doesn't feature those motives. It's just in the final movement. So, the final movement is also the very definitive musical "Must it be?" as well.

figure confusing article:

"Must it be?"

"It must be!"

-----------------------------------------
Amongst all the confusing sentences, really the most confounding issue is why you failed to understand the connection between the Mendelssohn and Beethoven string quartets. You linked the Puts to Beethoven (which you hadn't even introduced as having being on the concert yet) and fail to give tangible evidence of the association, but not the Mendelssohn, which actually has a credible, if not direct connect to Beethoven himself, and specifically the Beethoven string quartet being performed on the concert?

Seriously...I had to do way too much research just to understand all of the misleading statements in your article. I know you're a busy guy...so, I wonder if the perhaps the newspaper could hire someone to help review the factual parts...but who?