Friday Quickie -- Asshat Edition

I ran across this blog entry from Steven Humphrey on The Portland Mercury's website a week or so ago. The Mercury is an alternative (read hipster) newspaper in Portland, Oregon primarily dedicated to covering the popular music scene in and around Portland. So, to be fair, they don't really cover classical music. And for this reason I hesitated to reprint this on our site. But upon further consideration, it's an intelligent and lively exchange of ideas that I think the Detritus readers would be remiss not to have read.

Today's Symphony Review. SNORE!!!!

HA! That's so funny. Because you know, now that I think about it, classical music is boring. Awesome.

figure symphony concert: BOR-ING!

As you probably realize, we jaded, tight-pant wearing hipsters here at the



Yes, why?

Because it is OLD... TIMEY, yo!

Well, fuck, I've never seen it put so succinctly before. It is OLD! And for the most part I hate everything old too. But that can't be the only reason...why else do you HATE THE SYMPHONY?

The symphony is for Metamucil...

hehe...old people have more health problems than young people. Awesome reference!

figure boring: Old people like the symphony.

...Metamucil sippin' bucket kickers who are too freaking SQUARE to listen to the greatest band of all time (Vampire Weekend, 'natch).

figure old people: Old people don't know the greatest band of all time and, therefore, deserve our ridicule

figure greatest band of all time: Greatest band ever?! Talk about the greatest understatement of all time. I have no idea how I was able to make it through my life without this!

However, for the two or three creaky old-timers who accidentally stumble on to this site while trying to figure out their AARP benefits...

Ha ha! Old people need non-profit lobbying groups.

...or how email works,...

LOL! And they're terrible with technology. What a fucking waste of space old people are.
figure moe: "Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything."

Did you have help writing this, because I'm not sure it's humanly possible for one person to be as awesome as you.

...here is the latest in the weekly scolding emails we receive from symphony lover (HA!) Brian Horay. (Seriously, he writes us, like, every week. Can't he Twitter this?)

Fucking old guy doesn't use Twitter. Because everyone knows that the only way to be hip or cool is to use Twitter. Just ask any 13-year-old.

So, what email did this fucking loser send? ...

...wait?...he sent an email? Dude, Steven, I thought you said old people couldn't figure out email.

Fuck. Now I don't know what to think...
Dear Mercury: I've completely given up on you. Not only did soloist Chee-Yun tear up the Schnitzer with a 302-year-old violin at the Oregon Symphony this weekend, she was also featured in a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode last fall. All this without even a mention in your so-called music previews. If Horse Feathers was playing a show with a 302-year-old fiddle, it would have been on your fucking cover. Once again, you've managed to drop the ol' proverbial ball.

Brian Horay
You're totally right, Steven Humphrey, old people are just TOO SQUARE to be taken seriously.

It's hard to see how you've managed to tolerate totally bogus emails like this for so long. Thanks for putting this old guy in his place. It's really a public service you're providing and frankly, it's probably the Lord's work you're doing (I can only assume that God hates old people too).

So from one music lover to another, Thanks. And, oh, by the way...

figure fuck you steve: "Fuck you, Steve."


Here's hoping some old woman hits you with her out-of-control Camry.


Sator Arepo said...

1) Great use of the "Classical Music Is Boring" tag.

2) You know, I just thought about it, too, and it totally IS boring. My life is a fucking waste of time.

3) Fortunately, my life looks like much less of a waste of time compared to Vampire Weekend.

Perhaps if we framed "classical" music as Old School instead of Old Time-y, douchbag hipsters wouldn't think it was boring.

Wait. Wait wait.

I think that means we're doing it *right*.

Classical music FTW!

John Kurman said...

Vampire Weekend? But- but- National Public Radio loves Vampire Weekend. Which means, since they are at least partly old people with lame musical tastes, that Vampire Weekend is lame. Which means that tight-panted hipsters like the same thing as old people. Which means...

Shit this is like the Grandfather Paradox in time travel.

Sator Arepo said...

Ah, well-reasoned, sir.

Note, too, that saying "Rock Band X [regardless of X] is way better than the symphony" is equally as stupid as saying "symphonic piece X is way better than any rock band."

Fred said...

If all that a hipper-than-thou indie newspaper from a hipper-than-thou town like Portland, Oregon can only come up with as "the greatest band of all time" and band that a)I have actually heard of, b)actually like and c) is actually very popular, I find their self-assessment as being "jaded, tight-pant wearing hipsters" somewhat suspect even with intended its irony. What else you got? Best food ever - chicken!! Greatest bodily fluid - blood!! As someone bemoaning my upcoming ineligibility for the under-40 discount to the Boston Symphony, I actually recently declined to tell some of my 20-or-so-year-old cousins of my Vampire Weekend fandom out of respect for their hipsterdom, not my own.

Sator Arepo said...

Good stuff, Fred, and not only for (perhaps?) instigating a "best bodily fluid" discussion.

I'm torn between phlegm and bile. (Blood is sort of on-the-nose, as you say. I mean: blood is just SO 2003.)