Orchestra Bravely Stands up to Fascism

Happy Labor Day! What have we here?

Classical music review: In opener, Fort Worth Symphony Orchestra shows why baroque festivals are rare
Lawson Taitte, Dallas Morning News, 10/27/2010

While the usual title-writing caveats apply, the titular assertion is just untrue. Utilizing the time-intensive, rigorous methodology known as Spending Five Fucking Seconds on A Google Search, I turned up this list.

Now, clearly, those are not all strictly baroque festivals, but the broader point made below about the Scary Jackbooted Demons of Historically Informed Performance Practice apply.

But I’m getting ahead of the argument.

Symphony orchestras are baffled by the baroque these days.

Are they now?

Specialists in historically informed performance have changed the rules about how to interpret music of the period.

Those academic fascists! Why would anyone even attempt to figure out how music three centuries old might have sounded back then? Why, they think they’re better than us [sic]!

Figure 1: What the hell is that thing? I don't care what instrument it was written for. Just play it on something I can recognize, you elitist!

Most regular orchestras have just given up.

Yes; you’re right. No one ever programs Bach or Vivaldi. Or Handel. Ever.

So give the Fort Worth Symphony Orchestra credit for bravery in scheduling a three-night baroque festival this weekend – 20 works by 15 composers, two of them anonymous.

Sure, I guess. Credit for you, FWSO! Way to play music written by dead white men! No one could have seen that coming.

I don’t know about bravery, though; if they do it wrong will the HIP Secret Police show up and disappear the entire string section?

Friday's opening revealed some of the issues that make such programs rarities.

Except for the part where I Googled up a bunch of early music festivals.

The Overture to Bach's Orchestral Suite No. 3 launched the festival with a performance that was accurate but lifeless.

Ah, actual music criticism! That tastes far better than speculation-slander.

In the three concertos followed, the orchestra seemed to have been coached merely to stay out of the soloists' way.

Memo

To: Dallas Morning News Editorial Department
From: Sator Arepo
Subject: Copy editing

Sirs and/or Ladies,

Your copy editor seems to have absconded. Please replace him at once. Thank you.

That's especially deadly in Vivaldi.

For reasons that are unclear, obvious enough to warrant an utter lack of elucidation, or shall remain arcane for mischievous reasons?

Kevin Hall played one of the Red Priest's 39 bassoon concertos with amazing suavity but little inflection.

Which would have been covered up if the orchestra had played better? Or so I infer.

Bach's Concerto for Two Violins fared better, though soloists Swang Lin and Alexandra Jennings Flanagan had different ideas about phrasing. (He favored greater articulation but a cloying vibrato; she dug in and got a darker, richer sound.)

That sounds like it might be cool, actually. It’s a fair critique, however, and merits mention in a music review, even if it does nothing to elaborate on the impending death sentences (presumably carried out by HIP Black Ops squads) that the orchestra and conductor have brought upon themselves.

Figure 2: Fetch...the hurdy-gurdy!

After intermission, Jennifer Corning Lucio played the famous Alessandro Marcello Oboe Concerto with passion and finesse – easily the highlight of the concert.

(This is merely editorial, but that is one boring-ass piece.)

In the highly decorated slow movement, Lucio proved once and for all that stylistic outlook isn't nearly as important as having something to say about the music.

Demonstrated? Made a case for? Expressed? No? “[P]roved once and for all…”?

Well, I guess we won’t ever be hearing about that issue again. I’ll be sure to email all of the other music critics, performers, and conductors and let them know.

The orchestra only came into its own when both conductors, Miguel Harth-Bedoya and Andres Franco (who had subbed in the Bach Double), left the stage. The violinists stood as the orchestra played the Pachelbel Canon and Gigue without a front man.

Well, that's certain...wait.

What?

Did you attend a fucking wedding? Cripes. If I ever go to a baroque-themed orchestra concert and they play that stale, tired-ass piece, I’ll have to be forcibly restrained from committing ritual seppuku.

Figure 3: Don't make me come in there.

Harth-Bedoya returned for movements from Handel's Water Music.

A special treat! Because one never, ever, ever hears that programmed. Kudos once more to the brave folks at the FWSO for reaching deep into the baroque catalog and finding a hidden gem!

Here, at last, he seemed to care about the piece as he let the orchestra rip, with superb French horns and woodwinds.

The implication is that he didn’t care about the other baroque pieces because his enjoyment of programming and performing them has been stolen by the Mean Old Musicologists.

The Overture didn't quite capture the true Handelian swagger, but by the end the entire band was off its leash and sprinting toward the finish line.

...aaand close with a mixed metaphor. Cut! Print!

Symphony is the Most Anti-Symphonic Symphony Ever

Critics are often at a loss of words when they encounter a new piece of music. And as a result, they tend to make some strange proclamations and use some peculiar logic in pursuit of making some profound point. It is, of course, mostly well-intentioned, as is the case with the example below, but they still make for some truly head-scratching moments.

EIF Reviews: Scottish Chamber Orchestra
Michael Tumelty, The Herald Scotland, Aug. 30, 2010

On reflection, having heard the world premiere last night of Kevin Volans’s symphony, Here Comes the Alabama, if the composer made one tactical error...

Tactical error, huh? Calling a piece of music a symphony involves strategy?

So, what was his error?

...it was in calling his new work a symphony.

Wow, that was a blunder. I mean, I just heard the piece existed, and I'm already just so angry at the "symphony".

Wait, what?

It was probably the most anti-symphonic symphony I have heard.

So...it wasn't played by an orchestra?

I'm confused...perhaps my understanding of a "symphony" as a large scale instrumental composition, traditionally in 3 or more movements is mistaken.

Why was his piece the anti-symphony symphony?

It was neither pictorial nor descriptive.

Hmmm...I see.

There was no narrative, no drama and no tension.

Wow. Are you sure this was even actually a piece of music?

So what then was there?

So what was there, and what was the piece?

Yeah, I just said that.

It’s almost impossible to encapsulate in words...

Well, don't sell yourself short -- you did tell us all the things this piece wasn't. That's at least something.

It’s almost impossible to encapsulate in words the bewitching and beguiling stillness of the span of this exquisite 20-minute creation.

The piece was exquisite -- I'm glad to hear that. But it's sad really, knowing the piece could have been so much more effective if only he had not called it a symphony.

In any case, it sounds like we're starting to get a picture...wait, no...a description...damn...an idea of what this piece really is...formally speaking.

The piece was bewitching and beguiling still. Which are not traits of a symphony?

It was like an abstract reflection.

Ah, well this would make at least some sense with the piece not being pictorial or descriptive, nor having a narrative. But surely it must be reflecting something, and something would have to be...you know, some thing.

It was like a thought that lingered.

I think you made the tactical error of trying to describe this piece, because I don't know what you're talking about. Do you not think your thoughts in images and words? Well, unless you're talking about the Nothing.

figure neverending story: Jesus made many other wishes, and had many other amazing adventures - before he finally returned to the ordinary world. But that's... another story.

How about we get away from these philosophical musings. Let's get down to the brass tacks, let's talk about the actual music. What did it sound like?

There was a whirring sound...

A whirring sound?

Er...um...?

...to the music, a ticking and a gentle pulsing.

A whirring and a ticking!? Well, why didn't you just say so up front...of course this isn't a symphony. Pssh, no self-respecting symphony would have both a whirring and a ticking.

Ooh. I wonder, did he get that instrument that goes "PING!"?

It seemed to revolve, like a mobile.

And yet you couldn't even see the strings holding it up? I think this piece is magic.

It shimmered; it was evocative but not impressionistic.

Interesting. It was evocative? But what did it evoke if not a picture, a description, a narrative, or at the very least, the hint of drama or tension?

Conductor Robin Ticciati and the SCO did a splendid job bringing it into gentle life.

Ah, the miracle of birth.

figure meaning of life: Patient: Is it a boy or a girl? Obstetrician: Now, I think it's a little early to start imposing roles on it, don't you?

And in the context of a programme that emphasised the starkly original, with Rebel’s Les Elemens, the hormonally exuberant, in Bizet’s Symphony in C, and the quirky, in Poulenc’s Concerto for Two Pianos, Volans’s symphony sat comfortably: an oasis of calm.

Hormonally exuberant?

figure excited: Bizet's Symphony in C(ocks)

Premise Falls Short, 7 Dead, 11 Injured

One of our favorite strategies, here at the DR, is to follow an opening premise to its end, to see if it actually pans out. In most cases, no, it doesn’t. And that’s what makes it funny.

So, in the spirit of tradition, let’s do just that, but abbreviated.

It’s tempting to call Vladimir Feltsman a madman.

Oh my gosh! An opening premise that presumably won’t pan out! Please, please, please tell us—so we can laugh at you—why is it tempting to call him a madman?

It’s crazy what he can do at the piano.

Oh. (sigh)

That’s what most of us would call virtuosic; but, then again, who are we to kiss the Oxford English Dictionary's ass? (And, by the way, screw you Webster! Stop calling.)

You expect the whole thing is going to come apart at the seams, that the elements holding the structure of the piece together are simply going to break apart, like a bridge compromised by a gale force wind.

If by “gale force” you mean Vladimir and by “bridge” you mean music, then no. You’re doing similes wrong, my friend. Bridges blown apart by gale force winds are poorly designed, which is not what you’re saying. Are you saying Chopin sucks. Are you? Didn’t think so.

Figure 1: The original orchestration of the First Piano Concerto 

For an encore, Feltsman offered the ever-popular Chopin Waltz in C-sharp Minor. As he finished the final run at the very top of the keyboard his hand kept going and he seemed to wave goodbye to the audience.

Cute.

Then he smiled – like a madman.

Get it? Because he smiled like a madman, thus ending another awesome DR deconstruction, er, destruction.
-

Sadly, the Title Was Not Apt

Music review: Exotic chamber music opens Stowe festival
Jim Lowe, Barre-Montpelier Times Argus, August 20, 2010

Exotic? So, you mean something other than Beethoven and Mozart?

Trying something new and unusual isn't very American, plus I'm pretty sure that's how the country got overrun with all these communists. But, I'm game.

figure unusual: Sure, what the hell.

The Philharmonic Orchestra of the Americas is more than an excellent New York orchestra, it's an ensemble of fine individual instrumentalists.

Interesting. So you're hypothesizing that there is an excellent New York orchestra that isn't an ensemble of fine individual instrumentalists?

Rochester Philharmonic...I'm looking in your direction.

(Just kidding, of course, because everyone knows it's the Albany Symphony that is made up of a bunch of loafing, slack-jawed yokels.)

The Music Festival of the Americas at Stowe opened Wednesday at Topnotch Resort,...

Topnotch? That's a good name for a resort. Very good name. I wonder who's the ad wizard that came up with that one.

...with a chamber music concert that showcased members of the weeklong festival's resident orchestra – and some proved superb.

Others sadly didn't. I hope someone had the guts to put those poor musicians out of their misery.

The POA, led by Music Director Alondra de la Parra, is in-residence in Stowe for the week for Music Festival of Americas at Stowe.

Excellent. Show me some exotic music.

figure 19th century exoticism: The Exotic White Man

Maybe some little traveled Chinese classical music, or perhaps even the locally exotic musics of Harry Partch, for example?

Most impressive was a deeply felt and passionate performance of Shostakovich's String Quartet No. 7 in f-sharp minor, Opus 108.

Wait. I thought you said the program was exotic? Now, I've never been to Russia, so it's exotic to me, but...Shostakovich? A string quartet? With an opus number? Come on.

Violinists Daniel Andai and Brooke Quiggins Saulnier, violist Ryan Rump and cellist Benjamin Capps, all POA principals, played with an intimate sense of ensemble not often heard outside of a fulltime [sic] quartet.

figure vodka: Yes, it's Russian, but not terribly exotic. Wait...win a what?

Maybe this was just the warm up to the impending exoticism.

Andai is a particularly fine violinist with a keen musical sense and a rich, warm sound. (He is also on the faculty of Vermont's summer Killington Music Festival.) But,...

But?

...he was well-matched by the others in creating a compelling performance of this three-movement work that mixes the forlorn nature of the Soviet Union with a suppressed wit, even sarcasm.

Or maybe it was written in memory of his first wife, Nina, who had passed in 1954. But who am I to get in the way of preconceived notions of what all of Shostakovich's music must be about.

However, again, I must say that I am not impressed with the exotic credentials of a Shostakovich quartet. That's fairly ubiquitous fare as chamber music goes.

What else ya got?

Also fascinating and well-played was the String Quartet by Mexican contemporary composer Enrico Chapela (b. 1974).

Mexican... contemporary.... I like what I'm hearing. Although, when you think about it, Mexico is about as exotic as Canada. But whatever, it's not like it's distinctly American. Or even partly American...it's exotic.

figure not-that-exotic: It's Mexican-ish. Also, earn a jillion buckaroos!

The sunny work combines Latin themes...

To be expected...I suppose.

...and jazz flavors...

Hmmm..."Latin themes" and "jazz flavors"...this is beginning to sound slightly less exotic. But I'm sure that it mixes these popular elements with a unique, boldly exotic harmonic language

...with thoroughly modern but accessible harmonic language.

An "accessible harmonic language"? Hmmm...that sounds decidedly not exotic.

The performance by violinists Cecee Pantikian and Saulnier, violist Rump and cellist Maria Jeffers was passionate and exciting – and a crowd-pleaser.

Passionate? Well, I can see you're well-versed in Latin cliches? Was it also perhaps, hot and spicy?

The biggest crowd-pleaser,...

As your editor, I would suggest not using the phrase "crowd-pleaser" twice with in the space of four words. Just saying.

Carry on...exoticism of epic proportions must surely await us.

...though, were several “pop” selections by a brass quintet: trumpets Michael Gortham and Gabriel Dias, hornist Daniel Wions, trombonist Alexis Regazzi and tubist Justin Clarkson.

First of all, I am definitely a fan of the "unnecessary" use of quotation marks, but pop music is hardly exotic.

Am I beginning to repeat myself? I'm starting to think that we don't know what the word actually means, or I guess more accurately, have a very low threshold for what qualifies for exoticism.

A Spanish march and “Bess, You is My Woman” from Gershwin's “Porgy and Bess” were stylishly played, but it was a jazzy version of “Amazing Grace” that brought the house down.

I hate when that happens.

figure popular exoticism: Everybody was kung-fu fighting.

So after the strange and foreign musings of the brass quintet wrecked the stage, what happened next?

Conversely, an intimate and at times tender conversation between two violins was achieved in New York composer Kyle Saulnier's Duo.

New York composer...and I was beginning to think this concert wasn't all that exotic.

Brooke Quiggans Saulnier, the composer's wife, and Elizabeth Young, who also plays in the Vermont Symphony, played lyrically and warmly making this conversation charming and compelling.

Sounds compelling.

figure exotic?: Okay, this is a tough one.

What else was compelling?

Another compelling performance was of Argentinean composer...

Ah, Argentinean! Now we're getting somewhere

Also, what did I tell you about repeating word choices?

Also, also...Argentine composer? Or maybe Argentinian? Anywho, you were saying, compelling performance of Argentinean composer...

...Astor Piazzola's “Historia del Tango.”

Oh. Piazzola.

Harpist Kristi Shade's sensitive lyricism was beautifully contrasted by Nuno Antunes' jazzy clarinet in this fine sophisticated work.

I must say that I'm having a hard time hiding my disappointment.

But I guess I should remember our definition: exotic = something other than Mozart and Beethoven. So I guess it's not all bad.

Two traditional works were less successful.

Traditional? I could be wrong (but I'm not), but I'm fairly certain that traditional and "pop" just aren't the standard criterion for exotic.

However, I should thank you for bringing some common sense to all this "exoticism". I was beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable with all these new and strange musics.

Yep, some traditional values (i.e. something like Mozart and Beethoven, but clearly not them, since that would probably be too on the nose, as it were) sound pretty good right about now.

figure "go-around-the-person's-intellect": Where. Is. The. Crocoduck?

The playing in one movement of Mozart's Horn Quintet, K. 407, was rough but the spirit was there. The playing was fine in Beethoven's Serenade, Opus 25, for flute, violin and viola, but the music-making wasn't comfortable.

The music-making wasn't comfortable?

The "playing"...was fine. O-kay.

But, the "music-making" wasn't comfortable? ...

Damn. I thought I had it there for a moment. Maybe you can help explain?

These are busy musicians.

Good point? Busy makes music-making uncomfortable? So, out-of-work, lazy musicians (Albany musicians I assume) would logically make the most comfortable music, yes?

But, then we're left with a strange catch-22 -- if you hire these lazy musicians for their comfortable music-making abilities, they would cease to be apathetic and slothful, and therefore, more uncomfortable in their music-making.

And therefore, comfortable music-making only exists in theory. Kind of like absolute zero.

Whoa. I just totally blew my own mind with that one.

Tonight, the orchestra, conducted by de la Parra, will perform its staple Latin American classical music,...

Again, playing one's "staple" doesn't seem very exotic. I hate to harp on that one word choice, but you know, it's sort of (if not exceptionally) confusing.

...this time, Mexican works from its new Sony Classical album, “My Mexican Soul.”

I'll be the burrito-taster.

figure exotic: Kind of erotic too.

At Least the Title Was Apt

Orchestra Review
Judith White, The Saratogian, 8/12/2010

There was a degree of irony in the programming for Wednesday’s Philadelphia Orchestra concert at the Saratoga Performing Arts Center.

Mm-hm. Irony, you say? In the programming? Do tell.

The all-Gershwin program of American music began with the orchestra playing the well-known “An American in Paris,” and then moved on to feature French-born Jean-Yves Thibaudet as piano soloist with the orchestra for other Gershwin works, including the Piano Concerto in F and a set of variations to “I Got Rhythm,” all conducted by a Swiss-born, Montreal resident conductor.

I see. I don't know about the construction "Montreal resident conductor," but that's neither here nor there [in Montreal, apparently].

And the ironic part was...?

I’m certainly not complaining: just commenting on how things can work out with really good music — which transcends geography and culture.

Um. Let's back up, because, apparently, the ironic bit was in that last large paragraph.

The all-Gershwin program of American music began with the orchestra playing the well-known “An American in Paris,” and then moved on to feature French-born Jean-Yves Thibaudet as piano soloist with the orchestra for other Gershwin works, including the Piano Concerto in F and a set of variations to “I Got Rhythm,”...

Okay. An American orchestra was playing a Gershwin program, which, after "An American in Paris," featured a French pianist playing the Concerto in F. So...it's like there was a Parisian in America! Oh, except he's from Lyon. But still, he did go to the Paris Conservatoire!

So a Frenchman (who's been to Paris) in America! Playing "An American in Paris!" Er, well, no...actually playing the piece after that one on the program...which is sort of...a coincidence? But not irony.

...all conducted by a Swiss-born, Montreal resident conductor.

A Swiss-Canadian in Saratoga is sort of like an American in Paris, insofar as the sentences have parallel construction...which is ironic?

No. No, it's not.

The most ironic thing going on here is that something that's not really in any way ironic is being described as such.

We don’t require American interpreters of Gershwin’s compositions, no more than we require German interpreters of Brahms.

True, I suppose. We don't wear gigantic purple hats either, but it's not relevant, so we don't write sentences about it.

We got what we wanted...

Speak for yourself. I was led to believe there'd be irony.

— a brilliant pianist with a sensibility for Gershwin’s talent for rolling classical sensibility into the music of his time, and a conductor who literally threw himself into directing the music.

I guess I was really willing to be nice about this, but, sadly, no.

Because...look:

"Literally" does not mean "figuratively" or "metaphorically." Quite literally, "literally" literally means "literally."

Figure 1: Better.

Inflammable Means Flammable?

Figure 1: Calm down, sir, you're going to give yourself skin failure.

Kalmar channels wit and anger of Shostakovich
Bryant Manning, Chicago Sun-Times, 8/5/2010

Is the Shostakovich transitive? That is: is just the anger his, or the wit as well?

After a month of excellent guest conductors having seized the riches of the Grant Park Orchestra, principal conductor Carlos Kalmar returned in top form to the Pritzker pavilion Wednesday night.

After a month of...having seized? Man, the tense wars in Chicago must be worse than they say! The guest conductors siezed the riches...for a month, but now that's over? Where are the riches now? Do the erstwhile guest artists still have them? Will they ever give them back?

But this isn't about that.

The Uruguay-Austrian maestro was back for one of the season's most impressive concerts, which, at least during this summer season, might as well be repeated over and over again.

What? Why? Saying "might as well" makes it sound like you're grudgingly resigned to the possibility.

This isn't about that, either.

Yet Wednesday's offering truly showed the municipally funded, free outdoor concert at its best,

I am in favor of such endeavors; I hold them in esteem.

...where festival administrators paid tribute to Millennium Park's founders with a first-class program featuring the incomparable violinist Christian Tetzlaff.

Incomparable!

[but soon...]

While Tetzlaff is not the most lyrical violinist around, his playing can sing and serenade without the usual slick array of pretty notes.

Okay.

First, I don't know what that means. He didn't play any notes? Or just not any pretty ones? Perhaps it suggests that he played them, but not in the "usual array"? Did he, I don't know, change their order at random?

Second...well, look.

This "incomparable" performer isn't "the most lyrical violinist around"?

Even if "incomparable" means something metaphrorical, less like "not able to be compared to anything" and more like "benchmark by which all others are compared," how is he not the most anything?

Anything good, anyway. I suppose he could be both "incomparable" and "not the shittiest violinist around."

I am forced, then, to conclude one of two things:

Either Mr. Manning is not a fan of flashy, over-emotive performance styles, preferring instead an intellectual (and/or, apparently, quasi-improvisatory) approach; or "incomparable" doesn't mean what he thinks it means.

Figure 2: Thinly disguised oblique meta-reference

@!#?@! What in the hell is that "boing"?

What's the most important part of music review, you might ask? It's a good question. The who, what, when, where, or possibly the why?

Those things are nice, but they don't get to the heart of what it is to attend a classical music concert.

No, it's all about the setting and the mood. Bring the reader into the seat of the reviewer to experience the beauty and grandeur of watching an entire symphony orchestra in action.

Concert review: Conductor Jahja Ling impressive at RPO concert
Anna Reguero, Democrat and Chronicle, August 6, 2010

For future concerts, Rochester Philharmonic Orchestra might want to add to its pre-concert announcements.

Really? Why might they want to do that?

It could go something like this: Will all musicians please turn off any metronomes, tuning devices — and cell phones?

"Musicians," always leaving their metronomes running.

Priceless.

So, really, how about this impressive performance from Jahja Ling?

Guest conductor Jahja Ling had just cut off the orchestra for a large break in the second movement of Mozart's Piano Concerto No. 17 during Wednesday evening's concert at Hochstein.

Ah, the glorious K. 453 in G major, with the somewhat unusual sub-dominant slow movement. Lovely little concerto...

Ling's wife, pianist Jessie Chang, was about to begin her cadenza.

A husband and wife cast as conductor and soloist. Seemingly the perfect set up for a truly magical, and not at all unusual, evening.

Great set up...what happened next?

That's when a "boing" interrupted the silence.

A 'what' interrupted the silence?

And then another "boing."

A "boing"?

figure boing: Watch out for that snake!

And another.

What in the hell is a boing?

Its origin unknown,...

Sounds like aliens.

figure x-file: There's been another unsubstantiated UFO sighting in the heartland of America. We've got to get there right away.

...the audience scanned the hall to find the culprit. Was it a metronome? A timer?

I dunno. Maybe it was a violin dancing with a saxophone...

figure unexplained noise: Now, that's just silly.

In any case, I just can't wait to find out what happens next.

And what about the poor soloist for pity's sake!?

Chang kept her concentration and continued through her cadenza,...

Whew. A consummate professional, to say the least. Truly she is a hero to have kept her cool in such trying times.

...which showed off her light and sparkling touch, perfect for Mozart.

Who has time for a review of the performance at a time like this?

Get on with it, man. What of the mysterious "boing"?

By the end of her cadenza, the "boing" continued on.

The suspense is killing me.

So did the orchestra, ignoring the extraneous noise as they sailed into the work's final movement.

They're on a boat?

The ushers finally walked around the hall, trying to locate the noise.

Isn't always the extras who get killed first in these types of concerts?

That's when I noticed principal bassist Colin Corner...

@!#?@! It's always the bassist!

....shrugging and shooting worried looks at his stand partner. Could it be that the sound was coming from his case, sitting behind him on top of a spare piano on the side of Hochstein's stage?

figure bassist: "It grew louder -- louder -- louder! ...They heard! -- they suspected! -- they KNEW! -- they were making a mockery of my horror!"

Indeed.

"Villains!" he shrieked, "dissemble no more! I admit the deed! -- tear open my case! -- here, here! -- it is the boinging of his hideous heart!"

During a few measures of rest near the end of the concerto, Corner handed over his bass to go silence the "boing" song. It turns out it was an alert feature on his cell phone.

Well, that's rather anti-climactic.

Was it at least an alert feature of DOOM?

Rather than roast Corner, this mistake was likely because Hochstein does not have backstage space to keep instrument cases.

Ah, I guess that explains that. Everything's been wrapped up into a nice little package.

I'm glad that's over with. So, onto the concert.

At the Eastman Theatre, the musicians have both a downstairs green room and space behind the stage shell for storage.

I see. [Looks at watch.]

Any cell phones to ring in cases and bags would not be heard on stage.

Really? They wouldn't be heard on stage at the Eastman Theatre?

Valiantly, Ling — for whom this performance was a possible audition for the music director opening (he's currently music director of the San Diego Symphony) — didn't flinch and continued to steer the orchestra confidently.

Not just a guest conductor, but an audition to become the new music director of this ensemble? And you wrote about boings?! @!#?@!, indeed.

He had great chemistry with Chang.

Really? He had great chemistry with his wife?

When Chang's first entrance moved a little more swiftly than the orchestra, Ling immediately looked back at her to adjust.

Well, recovering from a "boing" of this magnitude is sure to leave at least a few scars.

She adjusted, too. They were a great pair.

What was she playing again?

Ling's chemistry with the orchestra was also noticeable.

Noticeable? Do you think he's cheating with the viola section?

Though he lacks the graceful arm movements and posture of some of the other candidates, he has a friendly and encouraging presence on stage.

Well, you know, grace is a tough one. You either have grace or you don't. Grace isn't something you can pick up at the market.

He blazed through Mozart's Overture to The Marriage of Figaro and also conducted a high voltage version,...

So, over 600 V?

...if not overly so, of Dvorak's Symphony No. 8 without a score after intermission.

Did he blaze through the Mozart the way you blazed through the meaningful part of this review?

The musicians let their opinions be known by sitting when asked to stand during the multiple ovations at the concert's end to direct the applause at Ling.

embeddence awesome: Is it just me, or does Q*bert have a legitimate case against the Snorks for copyright infringement?

Just in case you hadn't read the original review yet, of the 12 paragraphs (newspaper paragraphs), 8 were about the "boing". Eight.

@!#?@!

Brahms Concerto Assulted; Charges Pending

Concert review: Encore undercuts Brahms at Bowdoin
Christopher Hyde, Portland Press Herald, 7/20/2010

An encore at the end of a [classical] music concert isn’t that rare, especially when a soloist is involved. In this case—indeed, in most cases nowadays—“encore” means “more stuff!” instead of “again!” This is widely regarded by the paying concert-attending public as something between More Art-Stuff for My Money = Value! and A Gift from the Artist to the Audience.

Not all encores, of course, are good, or well-performed, or well-composed, or even in good taste. However, never, in my experience, has anyone complained about an encore as such.

Young violinist Ray Chen, one of the new class of virtuosi at the Bowdoin International Music Festival, drove a stake through the heart of a brilliant performance of the Brahms Violin Concerto in D Major (Op. 77) at Crooker Theater on Friday…

He drove a stake through the heart…of a performance…of the concerto? Really? Or is it just Overwrought Prose Day in the Maine newspaper community?

…by choosing to play an encore.

Yeah. First, being a “young” artist [of unspecified age], he probably didn’t “choose” to play jack shit. Second, what the fuck is your problem?

Chen may be too young to know better,

But not, I take it, too young to be publicly excoriated for it. In the Springfield Shopper. I mean Portland Press Herald. Whatever.

Figure 1: Journamalism.

…but I felt sorry for festival co-founder Lewis Kaplan, who conducted orchestra and soloist in one of the outstanding performances in the festival's history.

An historic moment: the 35,457,221th performance of the Brahms concerto. And pity the poor festival organizer/conductor, who probably absolutely had no hand in the planning and execution of an encore showpiece to showcase his featured young artist.

All of a sudden it seems like Bowdoin isn’t about the critics anymore. What happened, man?

There are all kinds of reasons not to play an encore after any concerto,

Not really. This is a made-up objection articulated by means of a weak appeal to an unnamed authority.

There is, however, a long-standing tradition of critics not reviewing or completely ignoring encores which has been tossed out the window here.

…but after the Brahms, one of the towering masterpieces of Western civilization, it is little short of sacrilege.

This comes across like a supply-sider jerking off while writing about the awesome power and fragility of the free market. “It’s huge and powerful and towering and majestic and awesome—but don’t touch it! It breaks easily!”

Brahms has withstood worse injustices than suffering through an encore by some prodigious young artist at a summer music festival concert. For fuck’s sake; what are we even talking about?

The work is a unity.

Yikes. I hope you have your Schenker diagrams ready to prove that shit. Also, how’s that discredited, anachronistic, 19^th-century faux-organicist teleological view of art working out for you? Good?

It should send the audience home with a feeling of awe, perhaps a little euphoria, and fond memories.

Also nostalgia, a unicorn, and full employment. Since when is it the critic’s job to assert what you should be feeling when you go home after hearing a particular piece? That’s some Palin-esque batshittery right there.

Figure 2: Palin 2012.

To puncture that mood with anything gratuitous -- like the Bach andante for unaccompanied violin that Chen played –

Yes, showy-ass Bach and his unaccompanied andante [sic]. Talk about empty showpieces!

While researching this article, I happened upon this great thread (at violinist.com) discussing Joshua Bell’s recent practice of playing Vieutemps' set of variations on “Yankee Doodle” (Variations burlesques sur "Yankee Doodle", op. 17)…after performing the Brahms concerto (among other pieces). Most of their commentariat (made up, one surmises, mostly of violinists) are fine with it, and with encores after concerti in general.

So what are we on about again?

…no matter how good, calls into question the musicality and even the integrity of the performer.

Oh jesus shit. Says you.

Does he consider Brahms merely a vehicle to show off?

Brahms is dead, and his concerto is solidly ensconced in the canon. What are you whining about? Who are you trying to protect? Because your protestations are about as weak as your rhetoric, and it’s kind of sad.

Chen is better than that.

We think? You assert? Was it on his website? Press release? Over lunch?

He seemed to have a feeling for the music and its intimate orchestration, blending the timbre of the violin with the French horns in a way I had not heard before.

Seeming to have a feeling, as reported secondhand, is like blowing your nose in a lace doily.

Figure 3: Decorative, or effective? Mmm, yeah.

His double-stop work sounded like two equally angelic voices, his tone was the acme of purity…

Ooh aah ohh gush overcompensate-for-criticism blah blah squee!

…and his dynamics were the way Brahms wrote them.

That…no. That is a terrible ending to a bad sentence.

After the final cadenza, he should have quit while he was ahead.

After the last cadenza…he should have stopped playing before the piece was over? I guess that’d make a great, if vague, political statement of some kind. Or something.

It may be objected that the first work on the program, the Beethoven String Quartet No. 9 in C Major, Op. 59, No. 3 ("Rasoumovsky"), included what might be considered an encore by the Ying Quartet. It was not an encore at all but a recapitulation of (part of) the exciting final movement, actually reinforcing the impression of the whole.

No.

That’s exactly what an encore is. It’s “more.”

Furthermore: that’s a bunch of bullshit and you know it. Oh, but it’s okay, because it wasn’t after a concerto, specifically the Brahms concerto, which is such a powerful, towering monument of Western civilization that it has all of the constitutional integrity of a syphilitic mayfly.

So spare me. Or better: kill me now, but spare the Brahms concerto! It's too young to die!

Symphony/Composer Bravely Condemns Evil

It was while I was enjoying a quiet pint at work when I happened upon this lively article about the Symphony No. 7, by Shostakovich.

Music Review: BBC National Orchestra of Wales

Peter Collins, South Wales Echo, July 21, 2010

IT was while I was enjoying a quiet pint during the interval of this gripping Welsh Prom concert that I eavesdropped on a lively conversation about the Symphony No 7, by Shostakovich.

Beer is about the only way I know to prepare for that symphony, too.

The symphony, known as Leningrad, occupied the whole of the second half of the concert.

As symphonies tend to do from time to time.

So, what of their lively conversation.

The thrust of the tete-a-tete was whether the massive work was Shostakovich’s nationalistic symbol of Russian resistance and defiance to Nazi totalitarianism, or a more general depiction and condemnation of totalitarianism, with the brutality of Stalin as its driving force. As always with Shostakovich it is an interesting but ultimately futile debate.

God, how incredibly fascinating. Did his music actively hate Nazis, or just passively hate them?

figure argument: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.

Also, futile? Really? Let's ask wikipedia, they know everything.

In its time, the symphony was extremely popular in both Russia and the West as a symbol of resistance and defiance to Nazi totalitarianism and militarism. As a condemnation of the German invasion...

Okay, so in its time, it was a "symbol of...resistance and defiance to Nazi totalitarianism".

Hmmm...that seems strangely familiar. Hey, wait a minute!

...[rereads article...then wikipedia entry...then article again...then takes a shot of whiskey]...

Wikipedia seems to suggest that the symphony both condemns AND resists Nazi totalitarianism!

How can that be? Don't keep us in suspense...which is it? Who won the argument?

Nevertheless, it was fascinating to see which view conductor Thierry Fischer would take as he picked up his baton to lead BBC NOW.

Good call...let the conductor decide. So, which is it: resistance or condemnation?

It seemed to me that Fischer, who was in command of the music and the orchestra from start to finish, was inclined to view the opus as more of a general condemnation of evil.

Really? The symphony condemns evil in general? Not just Nazi totalitarianism, but all evil?

Really?

Maybe the Eighth symphony is a statement that the children are our future.

[sigh...]

Also, copying from wikipedia is lazy, and such.

figure copying: Thank you, Al Gore, for the internets.

The Ketchup Is too Spicy for My Tater Tots

You think the title is on the ridiculous side? Well, have I a review for you!

The Seattle Chamber Music Festival is beloved by its fans for its Romantic sweet spot, but even the most ardent champions of easy-on-the-ear melody would have had to reconsider the merits of dissonance last Sunday night.

Damn! That, indeed, sounds spicy. So spicy, in fact, I might reconsider renewing my subscription to Earplugs-R-Us, the Anti-modernist Relief Association’s bi-annual magazine that caters to concertgoers who are routinely subjected to unresolved fourths. The magazine also comes with complimentary earplugs, duh.

But, really, who am I kidding? Bring on the pain! Bring on the pain!!

The evening opened with Mozart's crisp and deceptively melodious Piano Trio in B-flat Major...

Bring on the p...

Huh?

Uh, surely, the Mozart isn’t the spicy bit; it doesn’t even hit the “Romantic sweet spot.” It makes me wonder, then, what, if anything, could make one “reconsider the merits [really, merits?] of dissonance”?

Compared to the pleasant, cuppa-tea-with-milk-and-honey Mozart...

(Does your stomach churn when you see “cuppa,” too?)

Compared to the [...] Mozart, Prokofiev's Quartet No. 2 in F Major is a stiff shot of vodka.

Prokofiev? You’re shitting me.

F friggin’ major!?

And dissonant to the point that it makes one wonder if dissonance is overrated? Huh? What are you? Eight years old?!

To jog our memories, maybe we should give it a listen.

Example 1: Movement I

Oh! Now I get it. Because Russians drink vodka, see, unlike Mozart. And they’re all bears, bears who drink vodka. So, they’re un-bear-ably dissonant.

Right?

...

Wait. That doesn’t make any damned sense. What’s really going on, here?

Maybe the rest of the review will explain.

The starting Allegro is a stolid contraption of levers and pulleys, a steel factory producing energy in the form of audible vibrations.

Not to ruin your nice little story, but did you ever consider that the actual, in-front-of-you string quartet is, you know, making real, audible vibrations?

Maybe it’s just me, but confusing the real for the simulation (metaphoric description) is, well, a detrimental symptom of postmodernism that nobody needs; not here, anyway.

It seemed impossible that the night could get any better, but after intermission it did.

I’ll cut to the chase: it was Lalo. Lalo’s Piano Trio in A friggin’ minor. (The descriptive writing is a bit over the top, here, so it is omitted) Anyway...

End of dissonance inquiry.

I don’t get it. Either our author has a weak stomach or...I just don’t get it.

Maybe the title and hook left us some clues.

Review: Stiff shot of dissonance vibrates at Seattle chamber-music fest
Sumi Hahn
Special to the Seattle Times

No help here.

Dissonance in music is a taste acquired over time.

If only Bach wrote dissonant music...

Like a craving for coffee or scotch, the appetite for such harmonics is also culturally conditioned.

That’s part of it, sure, I guess.

One man's song may well be another man's noise.

There you have it: dissonance.

And now: Mozart, Prokofiev, and Lalo. Enjoy!
-

Lutoslawski's Too Wild for Words

Symphony Review: Sublime opener launches Mozaic
James Cushing, San Luis Obispo Tribune, July 19th, 2010

See, Dallas Morning News, this is how you do a review title for a festival.

Whether you think of it as Festival Mozaic or The San Luis Obispo Mozart Festival, 2010 marks the 40th year of this annual bounty.

Way to go Fesitval Mozart Festival guys. 40 years is a lot!

If Thursday’s sublime opening concert was any indication, this summer might be the most adventurous music festival in recent memory.

Sublime adventure? Interesting. What's on the concert?

Two ambitious chamber works by Rachmaninoff and a wild ride by Polish modernist Witold Lutoslawski left the opening night’s near-capacity audience at the Cuesta College Cultural and Performing Arts Center with a lot to think about and feel grateful for.

Ooh. I love Lutoslawski. And it's wild! How very exciting.

figure festival patron: A motorcar Lutoslawski. Gad! What have I been missing.

We’ve come to expect intelligent programming from Music Director Scott Yoo,...

Bor-ing...

The piece, scored for piano, violin and cello,...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Cellist Trevor Handy, familiar to Festival Mozaic audiences,...

Uh-huh. [skimming some more...]

In the last movement,...

Last? Well, that means we're surely getting close now...I can feel it.

figure lutoslawski: Mr. Toad's wild ride.

The second half of the concert explored the two-piano repertoire with Rachmaninoff’s “Suite No. 2 in C major” and Lutoslawski’s wild Paganini variations.

Wild, yes. And...?

The 1901 suite is structured symphonically and maintains an optimistic mood in contrast to the dark sorrows of the trio. The second movement,...

Bah...

...a waltz, sped along as brightly as it does under the hands of Argerich and Meyer in their celebrated recording.

Surely, the last paragraph will mention something about the wildness of Lutoslawski.

The concert was sponsored by Ron and Ann Alers. The festival continues through Sunday.

Fine. Whatever. I'm sure there's nothing interesting about that piece--like that it was originally composed in 1941 in Nazi-occupied Poland for performance in bars and cafés as a means of financial survival. Or that it's a variation on the last of the famous 24 Caprices by Paganini for unaccompanied violin -- the piece that probably originated the legend of Paganini's deal with the Devil -- which also served as the basis for musical treatments by composers such as Schumann, Brahms, Liszt, Rachmaninoff, Szymanowski, and even Andrew Lloyd-freakin'-Webber.

I agree. Wholly uninteresting.

embeddence paganini variations: Witold's Wild Ride.

In Which I Am Proven Wrong...by Science!

So I was saying that Messiaen's Quatuor pour la fin du temps is surely an excellent piece, but that given the 70 or so years since its inception, it isn't really astonishing anymore.

"Nuh uh," my interlocutor insisted. "It's still astonishing."

I mean, I guess. But not really astonishing. It's well known and widely performed and studied, so how astonishing can it really be? Perhaps this is a semantic or rhetorical squabble, but still...

"Nuh uh. I'll prove it."

Mimir Chamber proves 'Quartet for the End of Time' still has power to astonish
Scott Cantrell, Dallas Morning News, 7/14/2010

Aw, fiddlesticks.

But wait. What's a "Mimir Chamber"?

Figure 1: One imagines a secret meeting room where shadowy, powerful men negotiate the fate of the world. ("You can't fight in here! This is the war room!")

...Nearly 70 years on, the eight-movement, 45-minute work still astonishes. And so it did again Tuesday night at Texas Christian University's PepsiCo Recital Hall, thanks to the Mimir Chamber Music Festival.

Okay. Title-writing guy? Couple-a things.

"Mimir Festival" or even simply "Mimir" would have been perfectly clear shorthand for "Mimir Chamber Music Festival." Although one is thankful your preferred truncation was not some nouveau-cable station abbreviation like "MimFest," "Mimir Chamber" is bad and dumb and unclear to boot.

Second, and through fault of neither author nor inept title-writer:

...Texas Christian University's PepsiCo Recital Hall...

Fucking hell, people. Way to render unto Caesar what is Caesar's.

Figure 2: A parable, of sorts, for those with eyes to see.

Symphony Programs Beethoven, Staff Critic Approves

A season preview in the Richmond Times-Dispatch, simply attributed to the Staff Reports.

Richmond Symphony: On the Knees

Seems like a difficult way to perform, but whatever...on their knees it is.

Beethoven's Ninth Symphony has established itself as the most beloved work in the repertoire.

Ah, Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, no other piece is so universally praised and loved.

I think super-duper composer Louis Spohr summed it up nicely in his autobiography:

"I confess freely that I could never get any enjoyment out of the Beethoven's last works. Yes, I must include the among them even the much-admired Ninth Symphony, the fourth movement of which seems to me so ugly, in such bad taste, and in the conception of Schiller' Ode so cheap that I cannot even now understand how such a genius as Beethoven could write it down. I find in it another corroboration...that Beethoven was deficient in esthetic imagery and lacked the sense of beauty."

Thanks in large part to its choral finale, known as the "Ode to Joy,"

"Ode to..." what now?

...it serves as the anthem for Europe...

What an oddly nonspecific way of saying that it is recognized as a European Anthem by both the European Union (EU) and the Council of Europe.

...and is played during momentous occasions throughout the world.

Oh yes, the "Ode to Joy"! Quite the famous tune, indeed.

And, thanks to the music in the piece, it's the European Anthem and is used to underscore momentous occasions? Really, could it have been any other way?

But, "Ode to Joy" -- who doesn't love that tune. As Philip Hale so eloquently extolled its virtues for the Musical Record in 1899:

"But oh, the pages of stupid and hopelessly vulgar music! The unspeakable cheapness of the chief tune, 'Freude, Freude!' Do you believe way down in the bottom of your heart that if this music had been written by Mr. John L. Tarbox, now living in Sandown, N.H., any conductor here or in Europe could be persuaded to put in rehearsal?"

embeddence Ode: "Ode to Joy", anthem of Europe and jingle to help sell tickets!

The symphony celebrates triumph and offers consolation during times of sorrow.

And has accompanied some of the most heart-warming cinematic moments:

So, to what do you attribute to this piece's success?

Although not overtly religious -- and Beethoven himself does not seem a man of the creed -- it strikes many souls.

O...kay. That all seems fairly reasonable.

And if the Ninth resembles a secular prayer, then Beethoven's "Missa Solemnis" may be a mass scored not only for believers but for doubters and perhaps even for scoffers.

...Good point?

But now that you've randomly brought it up, I should say that I love the "Missa Solemnis". As was written in the London Morning Chronicle in 1845:

"The Missa Solemnis was generally regarded as an incomprehensible production, the depths of which (if they really were depths) it was impossible to fathom."

Greatest mass ever? I think so.

In both compositions, music is the medium and the message.

So...not a secular prayer, nor mass for the believers and friends?

But why did you bring up the Missa Solemnis?

The pieces came to mind when the Richmond Symphony released its schedule for 2010-2011.

I was just wondering this. Why did these two pieces come to mind when the schedule was released? I'm going to guess it was the stirring words of John Ruskin (yes, that John Ruskin) in a letter to John Brown (in 1881), who wrote:

"Beethoven always sounds to me like the upsetting of bags of nails, with here and there an also dropped hammer."

Steven Smith's first season as music director will open with the Ninth and close with the "Missa Solemnis."

Ah...makes sense. But really, you've already told us sooo much about this music, I feel like I've heard them already. Why bother performing them?

Words cannot fully explain music because music would not be necessary if words sufficed.

Yeah, you're totally right -- well, as long as you don't actually think about it.

But, circular logic aside...are you really sure? How about an analogy?

Descriptions of tunes usually prove as insightful as those wine reviews that detect about 73 distinct flavors in a jug of red. Just listen.

I must say, as a classical music lover, I have been known to take part of jug of red from time to time. Words just won't suffice. Say no more.

But you've gotten to the point so quickly, surely there's a word minimum for this article. Maybe you cram in some random quotes supporting your thesis about the awesomeness of Beethoven? And maybe an odd transition while we're at it?

The finale of the Ninth may convey universals,...

To be sure. But universal what? Universal remotes? Universal Studios? Oh, I know...universal truths? I hope so, because that's how I like my truths.

...but the preceding movement is sublime.

The third movement doesn't have universals, but is sublime?

And, by the way, excellent job on the odd transition here.

So, go on, what ya got on the Adagio movement?

In his charming and rewarding The Ninth: Beethoven and the World in 1824, Harvey Sachs writes of the Ninth's third movement: "[N]othing more beautiful than this movement has ever been written for the symphony orchestra."

Well, Sachs definitely proves his objectivity on the subject by not allowing himself to become victim to hyperbole.

And Sachs is totally right, of course. As the Boston Daily Atlas put it in 1853:

"The Adagio certainly possessed much beauty, but the other movements, particularly the last, appeared to be an incomprehensible union of strange harmonies. Beethoven was deaf when he wrote it."

So, what ironclad evidence does Sachs provide?

Sachs cites Arturo Toscanini's passionate comments that the movement "lifts me off the earth, removes me from the field of gravity, makes me weightless. One becomes all soul. One ought to conduct it on one's knees."

Fascinating. The laws of physics actually cease to exist while the third movement of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony is being performed?

I was aware of the rumors surrounding the mystical powers of Beethoven's music, but never before had I seen it proven.

In Witness, Whittaker Chambers testifies to the transformational presence inherent in the adagio.

Wait? What?

Whittaker Chambers? The Soviet Spy who defected to the US prior to World War II?

The same Whittaker Chambers who testified against Alger Hiss in front of the House Un-American Activities Committee?

That Whittaker Chambers? What did he have to say about the third movement?

Whittaker Chambers testifies to the transformational presence inherent in the adagio.

So, if I may be permitted to read between the lines a bit, not only is the Adagio the most beautiful movement ever written, with powers to break down earth's gravity, but it contains the transformational powers to turn...capitalists into...communists?

And if the third movement is, as Sachs says, the most beautiful symphonic movement ever composed,...

If?

...then the Sanctus from the "Missa Solemnis" stakes a claim for ultimate beauty, too.

Really, how do you figure? Are you suggesting that the Missa Solemnis' beauty is directly tied to our opinion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, third movement?

That'd be pretty strange, wouldn't it? Wouldn't really expect that, but what the hell do I know? I didn't even know that there really could be a piece that was the most beautiful symphonic movement ever.

During its coming season, the Richmond Symphony will give music-lovers a chance to decide for themselves.

That the 'Sanctus' can stake a claim of ultimate beauty?

And those unfamiliar with the concert scene will find the programming an accessible introduction to the purest of the arts.

Wait, what were you saying about the communists again?